They put their pants on the same way we all do. If you prick them, they bleed – albeit usually after whimpering, running away and then writing a bitchy riposte about you.
They are just like you and me, except that they spend a lot more time in front of a PC monitor trying to be witty, insightful or just looking for ways to waste your valuable time.
And so it goes that some bloggers also make New Year's resolutions.
The Malcontent asked several of our favorite bloggers about their plans for self-improvement in 2006. Some of them actually replied.
Most of the respondents are gay; some are not. The results, in no particular order, are after the jump ...
|For 2006, I resolve to shower before lunchtime at least twice a week.|
|Jesse Oxfeld, Gawker|
|- Blog more. My stats counter languishes at mediocre levels that make Time Warner's stock price look good, despite the fact that I get mad love from some very influential bloggers such as The Malcontent. The reason? I post once or twice every fortnight, and while I don't subscribe to the theory that I owe my invisible readers anything more than I'm willing to give them, it would be nice to maintain a somewhat regular presence on the old Bomb. I got a digital camera for CHRISTmas, so I should be able to add a lot more original NYC photography...|
- Go to the gym. Not regularly or anything, but I would like to make it there once or twice this year at least. This will hopefully help me with my next resolution:
- Find a boyfriend. One that doesn't have any complex life issues that require him to break up with me after a few months so as not to "hurt me"; one that thinks that I am the hottest thing in New York City and wants to have wild monkey sex at least 5 times a week; and one that makes at least 3 times as much as I do and loves to pamper me, preferably with lots of sushi and expensive clothing. If anyone knows where I can find someone like this under the age of 45, please email email@example.com.
- Stop apologizing for living in Jersey. Yes, I have a view of the city and a 15 min commute and don't actually go any further inland than a block or two, and yes I have a huge 2 bedroom apt. with a real kitchen, huge bathroom and wood floors for about as much as I would be paying to live in a closet in Inwood, but I don't need to explain that to everyone that asks me where I live. Let them give me the smug look of pity while they ignorantly ask me if I take the Path home because they think NJ is nothing more than a 10 mile stretch of transit line extending west from the WTC. It just makes them seem remarkably provincial for sophisticated city folk, and the irony is delicious.
- Drink more gin.
- Eat more sushi.
- Flirt more with cute bloggers online. These last three are in the bag, I thought I'd stack the deck a little because I deserve it. 2005 was rough.
Every year I vow never to make a resolution again, only to make another slew of them come New Year's. So, in keeping with my personal history, here are ten resolutions I fully intend to break by no later than Jan. 16, 2006.
10. I will act my age.
here are some of my resolutions:
to facilitate more cooperation among gay conservative/libertarian bloggers
but number #1 is to kiss and cuddle with your co-blogger (Robbie)
Jeremy Hooper, "Good As You"
|- To find as many new ways to say "gay marriage" as humanly possible. When one writes about the topic as much as I, "same-sex marriage" and "queer unions" become stale terms rather quickly. In '06, expect to see "faggy jaunts down a meticulously decorated aisle" and "nuptials in which at least one family is likely to not attend out of protest" to be among my wordier "'mo matrimony" options. |
- To find out from Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist gang just what other emotions their God would like to convey. So they tell us God hates fags and America in general - so one sided! What does he love, what is he indifferent to, what makes him cream his Almighty jeans? God likes the actress who plays Pam on "The Office." God has mixed emotions about Funyons. God has a soft spot in his heart for the musings of the late Erma Bombeck. Just SOMETHING new. They claim to have the hotline of all hotlines, and I think it's time they use it to explore the whole gamut of the Maker's emotions.
- To stop chatting about Katie, Matt, Al, and Ann as if they are slightly dysfunctional members of my extended family. Daily obsession with the foursome's nuances has dominated the better half of my pre-10AM brain for far too long. Well, actually make that pre-9AM, as everyone knows the last hour -- once Alexis Glick steps in and Katie and Matt have long left the building -- is mindless fluff, far inferior to the pair of hours that precede it. But still. My yogurt-covered Cheerios will thank me for the extra attention I can pay them once my fixation with "America's First Family" subsides.
- To even more aggressively kiss Viacom-based derriere until Logo finally takes notice.
|This year was a busy year with a new home, traveling, a few Awards Shows and a daily music blog. In 2006, I plan to continue to share great music, listen to more live bands, check out cool new hang-outs in town, pick up rollerskating, and finally (finally!) switch from PC to Mac.That in itself will be a big deal. On a different note, I encourage everybody to support Kiva.org to help out the less fortunate. It is so worth it!|
Paul Simmons, Right Side of the Rainbow
You asked for a list of my New Year’s resolution. I was having a very hard time answering until I asked myself why.
We Americans are an earnest lot whose unrelenting drive for improvement has paid off in a lot of ways. We have, as the poet Walt Whitman observed, the air of a people who do not know what it is to stand in the presence of superiors. But I wonder if we couldn’t do with less effort and more acceptance, especially of ourselves and our imperfections.
New Year’s resolutions, at least as I understand them, usually relate to projects of personal change or transformation. And even if they’re not uniquely American, they’re still consistent with American self-image. We’re always striving for the next best thing, including the next best self. Perhaps because I’m now in my 40s, with probably more years behind than ahead of me, I no longer feel a need to push or redefine or “re-engineer” anything or anybody, myself included. I resolve to resolve nothing.
We’re decent folk, most of us, and it seems to me there’s a point where, even if we could do better, we’re doing good enough – good enough, anyway, to just let ourselves be.
I actually don't make resolutions anymore. I used to do it all the time. I would resolve to go to the gym everyday or to read a certain number of books every month or something like that, and then I would end up breaking my resolutions within a few months. So I decided it would be easier to stop making them at all.
I do have goals for the new year though. My two major professional goals for 2006 are to launch my new TV show and to finish my new book. Those two projects will take a lot of energy, so I can only resolve to do my best to make them happen.
Pam Spaulding, Pam's House Blend
2005 resolutions for Pam's House Blend
* to continue to retain a sense of humor when the fur starts to fly in the blogosphere
* to blast the political flamethrower early and often at our bone-headed elected officials on both sides of the aisle that won't stand up for gay civil rights
* to call out the political bullsh*t artists and spinners as the election cycle heats up
* to be a thorn in the side of the Religious Right (are you listening Peter LaBarbera?) as often as possible.
* to successfully pass the monikers "leftwing hatemonger" and "hideous moonbat" to the next worthy blogger. :)
Michael K, DListed
|In the New Year I plan to become a better person, and in saying that I mean make me richer and hotter. I also plan to meet Paris Hilton just so I can slap the shit out of that stupid heifer!|
1- To actually be in Brazil at this time of the year because I am certainly not genetically designed for winter in New York.
2- To actually be in Brazil at this time of the year, also drinking and tanning my ass at the beach.
3- To treat my swimsuit obsession (or perhaps to simply convince even more readers to submit their pictures in a swimsuit to the blog every Sunday).
4- To make Made In Brazil more informative (or useful) by creating a cool travel guide for people traveling in the country.
5- To work on different projects and make them happen under any circumstances (and all I can say for now can be summed up in exactly 4 b's: beach, book, boys, brazil).
-- eat at nyc's sugiyama
-- get health insurance, go for a check-up
-- be more responsive to emails
-- build a bigger and better blog
-- meet at least one celebrity, interview two
-- get served with at least one cease and desist order.
Richard, Proceed At Your Own Risk
No more going bar-hopping with Michelle Rodriguez as the DD.
Cut time spent in bushes outside Topher Grace's house by 15%.
Finally own up to our unmaskable juniper-like scent: It's not "Dream from Gap," it's Tanqueray seeping through our pores.
Get tested more often. We think we have blogorrhea - sometimes it burns when we post. On a related note: Never EVER fuck Brittany Murphy again, even if it's "just for the story" and "only while catering."
Accept that, regardless of his actual sexual orientation, we will never be topping Jake Gyllenhaal. You know, as a subject for posts. He's the best.
Convince Janet Jackson, Jennifer Aniston, Jude Law, Kurt Russell and all other celebrities that if, for any reason, they go outside naked, they will be photographed.
Stop ordering pizzas to be delivered to Mariah's house. She's not even "playing along" anymore.
Destroy the following marriages: Clive Owen and wife, Matt Damon and Ben's ex-assistant, Dermot Mulroney and Catherine Keener, Hugh Jackman and beard.
Lay off Star Jones. Accept that she likes guests to sleep on the pull-out.
Get our picture taken with Lohan, the ultimate gay blogger right of passage.
Fausto and Marc, Feast of Fools Podcast
• Connect my roomba to my iPod so I can listen to a podcast that doesn't suck.
• Stop writing letters to hot men in prison.
• Get chiseled abs and get on the cover of a gay magazine for doing nothing more than chiseled abs.
• Stop watching re-runs of "Sister Sister" on the WB. Damnit! Then
• Start a blog to raise awareness of bloggers depression.
• Remember that forgiveness is easier to ask for than permission.
• I'm going to finally wash my stinky dildoes.
• Stop drinking those stupid "Red Headed Slut" shots.
• Start selling baby blue plastic bracelets to raise awareness of Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome. By the way, you look a little under the weather, you should buy this bracelet.
• Spend more time at the gym working out my eyes.
• Figure out a way to get Jake Gyllenhaall into a 3-way with us.
• Stop yelling to the AOL Telephone Customer Service: "Can I please speak to someone who is NOT in Pakistan?" Since when did the A in AOL stand for Ass-gass-nistan? This is America Online, learn to speak english godddamit! Or Navajo.
• Kiss more ass, read more blogs like the Malcontent.
• Kiss less ass, spend less time reading Malcontent.
• Make a movie about two straight actors that pretend to be gay in order to win an oscar.
• Keep an eye out for shivs, shanks and other homemade knives.
• Protect myself from alien waves by wrapping my head in leftover foil.
• Learn how to make shivs out of Jello.
• Stop pretending there is nothing wrong with Tori Amos' face or fans.
• Remind people to stop re-gifting the "Gift."
• Get plastic surgery to look like Jocelyn Widlenstein, or buy a new iPod.
• Stop making New Years Resolutions next year.
John Marble, Stonewall Democrats "Trailmix" Blog
I resolve in the New Year to join a rodeo association, as amateur rodeo competition was something that I enjoyed when I was younger. Working in politics means that my participation in events will need to wait until an off-year like 2007. However, I am determined to shortly begin shining my roping skills.
In relation to my initial resolution, I also resolve to see "
I've worked as a ranch hand, and my respect for the labor of the cowboy is inherent. I've long resolved not to romanticize my own, or any man's, experience as a cattleman. It devalues the practice. My disinclination is rooted in this. Still, I have resolved to enjoy the film without writing, as so...so many others have, about how monumental and moving a work it is.
|I'm a novelist--just last month, my gay teen novel GEOGRAPHY CLUB was banned in one school district, which got a lot of attention. And, like most novelists, I am shockingly neurotic and insecure, so I tend to pretty much ignore my great reviews, while obsessing over the very occasional bad one. So for 2006, I resolve to ignore the BAD reviews, and obsess over the GOOD reviews, so that I...ah, screw it. Who am I kidding? Let's just say "more time at the gym," and leave it at that, okay?|
David Hauslaib, Jossip
|My New Year's resolution is to get away from blogging and computers in general and do something meaningful, like volunteer to help the homeless or raise money for AIDS research. And then blog about it. In real time. Who said liveblogging was lame? I did. And so is regular blogging -- if only it didn't pay so well. Seriously, I'm making a killing. Now what was that about giving back to the community?|
Dan, Ex-Gay Watch
|Well I'm Dan from Ex-Gay Watch and my normal life I'm an apprentice architect. By the end of next year I'd like to have finished the remainder of the nine licensing exams I began this year. After that I still have the |
Rod Townsend, Manhattan Offender
|Show more ass.|
and world peace.
|My New Year's resolution was to give up blogging. But when I started blogging about my decision to give up blogging, I knew it was futile.|
Josh Foust, "The Conjecturer"
|In 2006, I hereby resolve to: |
Continue on as I have before. I like where my life is headed—over the past year my 'career,' health, friendships, and faith have all improved—why should I change a thing?
Cathy, The Dook
New Years Resolutions: The Lucky 13
13. To not be afraid of the path yet to be or yet discovered.
12. Paint routinely.
11. Tear down the obnoxious wall-paper in the kitchen.
10. Drink More Orange Juice.
9. Lose another 10 lbs.
8. Adventure more to the open air with the dogs to the parks neighboring our house.
7. Become open in my atmosphere.
6. Use my passions to inspire my daily life. Art is everywhere!
5. Progress in my dedication to my job and to my success.
4. Be thankful day after day because God has blessed my life.
3. Be open minded to new realizations.
2. Love more, anger less.
1. Continue discovering the stepping stones to my future.
Kenneth Walsh, "Kenneth in the 212"
|My goal for 2006? It's a bit of a cliché, I know, but my goal is to find a cure for irony and make a fool out of God.|
|My New Year's resolution, besides finishing grad school, is to take singing lessons. I sing at the top of my lungs in the shower and on the rare moments I find myself in a karaoke bar I channel another being. Goal for 2006: develop a one woman cabaret show. If not on stage, at least when I am drunk with my friends.|
Steven Neff, "Wannabeleader"
|The following are a list of my goals I made on November 25 for the year. |
1. Benchpress 200
2. Land the Pride Scholarship again
3. College Job (applied to Beaner's Coffee)
4. Summer Internship
5. 3.6 GPA from Michigan (It's a hard school)
6. Newspaper involvement (published once)
7. 20 Books read (2 finished)
8. 1,000 invested (200 already)
Bridget Johnson, "GOP Vixen"
|This past year, one of my resolutions was to learn Arabic. By the time we ring in 2006, I will have learned enough Arabic to have a pint with Bashar Al-Assad. Hopefully, by the end of 2006, I will be fluent enough to tell Assad where he can stick it. If I've achieved Arabic fluency, I can also talk Assad's bodyguards down before they pop a cap in my ass. And if I really apply myself this year, my mastery of Arabic writing will be such that I can write a letter to Saudi King Abdullah, asking sweetly that he fork over the cash for my release.|
Spc. Phil Van Treuren, Camp Katrina Blog
|1. To make my family proud.|
2. To make my country better.
3. To make my friends thankful.
|In the new year I plan to... |
1) Get my new business up-and running
2) Get back to the gym at least 250 times (lazy compared to my 500 times in 2003 resolution)
3a) Requalify for 1K status on United
3b) See at least three new countries
4) Keep supporting the Trojans even if they lose a game (the horror)
|I, North Dallas Thirty, do make the following resolutions for 2006: |
-- Eat at least one serving of vegetables weekly, given that my designation of potatoes or jelly beans as such has not passed FDA muster
-- Watch all the requisite "gay cinema" I've been putting off until later.....much later
-- Cherish, love, and be thankful for my significant other, regardless of whether God, the US government, or anyone else see fit to legitimize the relationship in their eyes
I will NOT:
-- Fling vials of holy water at any HRC Executive Board member or staffer for the express purpose of setting their skin on fire and melting their faces
-- Use my car to get to and from work more than twice a week in San Francisco
-- Whine about this new deduction on my paycheck called "state income tax"
|I don't usually make any resolutions, but I do try to have some "goals" for the year (although the difference is probably just semantics).|
1. Since this was due on December 19 and today is December 28, I guess a good starting point would be less procrastination.
2. Showing up on time more often to meetings, etc., would be a good thing.
3. Spend a week or two in an intensive surfing camp in Costa Rica.
4. Blog a bit less, but editorialize a bit more on Politics1 (versus the fairly neutral reporting I usually try to write).
5. Do my annual month of intensive Atkins Diet in January ... so I can keep eating multi-course dinners the rest of the year.
6. Find more free time for just relaxing..
7. Rollerblade for an hour or do a half-mile ocean swim at least three times per week.
8. Try reading only one (or two ... or three) books at a time. I am at least partly into over a half-dozen non-fiction books now, which are piled high on my nightstand (and with another dozen or so "on deck" in the compartment below).
9. Watch less TV (although not having had electricity for three weeks following Hurricane Wilma helped a lot with starting this one early).
One of my resolutions would have to be to change my job. I have always been one to focus on being happy, and never settling for anything. So, with the New Year approaching and my bonus check in my bank account, it's time to start looking onward and upward. I think I'd like to throw in that I should make more of an effort to go out and have fun.
Another resolution of mine would be to revamp my blog. It is in dire need of an over-haul. I also need to stop updating if I have nothing to say. I originally started this so I could be a "voice" to younger gay guys who may read about my experiences and relate, or learn from them. Xanga has a HUGE younger gay population, and it feels good to know that they read my blog and are learning.
Resolution number three would be to finally get my room in order. It's getting there, but there still is much work to do, and I want to get it all done EARLY in '06.....
Matt, "The Malcontent"
|1. Use an even defter touch with my fellow bloggers.|
2. Use the name "Jesus Christ" less around my husband. He thinks it makes me sound low-class.
3. Give readers even more MalcoVision.
4. Thank readers and advertisers more often, and with more verve.
5. Live to see 2007.