Crazies, Cuties, and Cowell

As mid-season replacements begin rolling out, the grandmother of them all barreled onto national television last night to bring out the joyously catty critical bastards in all of us. American Idol began it's fifth season combing my hometown, the Windy City, for the good, the awful, and the walking prozac advertisements.

Malcovision, as ever, is here to bring you all the highlights.

With controversies of Idol past in the attics of viewers' minds, Paula Abdul wasted no time at all bringing our memories down for a dusting as she eyed seventeen year old cuties Zachary Smits and David Radford the way Kirstie Alley approaches a cheese steak.

Not all contestants had the benefit of Paula's potential Hollywood harem as poor Kermit impersonator Eric Lawhon soon discovered. Simon Cowell immediately cut to the quick, noting that perhaps Eric might best spend his time as the cultural replacement to Dame Edna when that cloudy purple fixture eventually passes on to the great Filene's Basement sale in the sky.

It was a night of heartbreaks, train wrecks, and the purest form of schadenfreude as we winced, giggled, and clapped riotously at every deliciously awful audition, Springeresque confrontation, and tripped up drag performance on stage.

Vive la Idol.

[Watch video – 10:17, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 10:17, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Comments

[North Dallas Thirty]

I don't know what bothers me more about this; the fact that Americans are so willing to debase themselves on national television, or that we laugh when they do it.

[Queer Conservative]

My favorite contestant was the dumber, sluttier, white trashier version of Paris Hilton. And her controlling, enabling whore of a mother. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Jamie]

What about the boy who Simon said "Sounded like an Auntie," and the kid's mother said, "So?"

She was completely oblivious to the entire premise of the show.

[Queer Conservative]

That was Eric Lawhon I believe. And his mother also said something along the lines of his singing made her cry. Presumably because she found it beautiful. I'm wondering if he hasn't been using an "Ashely Simpson" lipsync routine on the family.

[el polacko]

i was hardly able to see paula's eyeing of the cute boys through the sea of drool created by simon and ryan over those same teen studs.
simon was barely able to contain himself,wiggling in his seat.. and when ryan asked zach,"so have you been to hollywood before?" i wondered if he was he just pretending to be a sleazy porn scout or was that the line that usually actually works for him?

[Roy]

Yes, they are all crazy! But I especially like the little 'mo from the small town who's grandma wanted to beat up Cowell...That was funny.....And it was just hilarious how they just pretty much outed him on TV...even though the second he opened his mouth, it was quite apparent which team he played for....And don't even get me started on the chick the first night with the fake tan, and how stupid she was!

[Jessica Johnson]

i believe that you strongly do not know where true good talent is. Eric Lawhon seemed like he had talent you should have listened for more.... He looked devstated when Simon the ass whole looked at him and laughed it was obvisouly was gay but, was really right for him to laugh like that? I beleive we all put our pants on the same way INCLUDING simon.... Simon YOUR SHIT STINKS TOO!!!

[Jessica]

Eric Lawhon looked like he had talent too... I think they should have listened for more... I think that Eric looked devastated when Simon looked at him at first and laughed.... YES it was Obvious that eric was gay as soon as you heard his vocie.... But was it really right for simon to laugh? GUESS WHAT? Simon YOUR SHIT STINKS TOO!!

[William]

It's Murdoch's network. I wouldn't expect any less from the old geezer.

[Jamie]

Jessica--

Both sides of my family for many generations have been involved with the music community. I have been the musical lead in over 200 performances, was director of my college men's singing group, and won a voice scholarship to college. So I think I have an informed opinion when I say that Eric is in no way qualified to be on American Idol. Personally, I wouldn't stick him in an Oscar Myer commercial. There's a lot more to it than just barely squeaking out the notes right half the time.

[William]

So that makes it okay for him to tell him to put on a dress and be a drag act?