Live-Blogging the Golden Globes

8:05 p.m. – Red-carpet show segues into the award show itself; bad song parody of “Don’t Cha” saluting nominees has Billy Crystal rolling in his grave.

8:10 p.m. – George Clooney draws the lucky straw and gets the first joke at the expense of Jack Abramoff's name.  Middle America frantically scratches collective head.

8:13 p.m. – Brokeback Mountain loses its first award, as Michelle Williams is beaten by Rachel Weisz.

8:20 p.m. – Brandon Routh presents award.  I hit "mute" as his comedy skills put me on the bus to Flaccidtown.

8:25 p.m. – Ad with a grinning Ronald McDonald statue next to a child on a park bench has creepy, John Wayne Gacy vibe.

8:28 p.m. – Enormously mammaried Drew Barrymore gives audience a read on the room temperature.

8:31 p.m. – Does this show have a host?  Seriously.

8:34 p.m. – Geena Davis's "Cutthroat Island Memory Wipe Project" takes another step forward.

8:37 p.m. – Closeted gays lose "Best Actor in a TV Series (Drama)."

8:44 p.m. – Is Botox a depressant?  'Cuz Melanie Griffith sure makes me think so.

8:53 p.m. – Steve Carell walks off-stage, is immediately fellated by his wife for getting her on camera four times during his acceptance speech. (Carell wins my award for "Best Acceptance Speech.")

8:58 p.m. – Academy Award winner Tim Robbins winces as he is introduced as a winner of the lesser Golden Globe.

9:00 p.m. – Jamie Foxx's clipped delivery suggests that his next film is a Jesse Jackson biopic.

9:05 p.m. – The four Desperate Housewives nominees descend on Mary-Louise Parker and suck all the lymph from her body.

9:14 p.m. – All his skills as "The Science Guy" couldn't help Bill Nighy beat Jonathan Rhys Meyers for "Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie."

9:28 p.m. – Why does Harrison Ford's father get to present an award?  Oh, wait ...

9:29 p.m. – Brokeback Mountain manages not to lose a second Golden Globe award, for writing.  Annie Proulx puts down the sniper rifle when Diana Ossana mentions her name in the first paragraph of her acceptance speech.

9:38 p.m. – Penelope Cruz pronounces Bob Hoskins's last name as rhyming with "foreskins."

9:41 p.m. – Palestine wins "Best Foreign Language Film."  Clearly, this is not the Hollywood "Domestic" Press Association.

9:44 p.m. – A child produces a visible stream of urine in an inexplicable commercial for H&R Block.  I wasn't aware that the H&R Block and McDonald's ad accounts were both being handled by NAMBLA.

9:49 p.m. – Tonight Mariah Carey is wearing Chanel.  In other news, Chanel runs out of fabric, rushes into court for Chapter 11 protection.

9:50 p.m. – HFPA verdict: Brokeback Mountain has a good song, but its music sucks.  Go figure.  BM is now 2-2.

9:53 p.m. – George Clooney is seen kneeling between Steven Spielberg's legs.  He must really want a part in "Indiana Jones 4."

10:13 p.m. – Director Ang Lee comically mangles the word "Hollywood" as Brokeback Mountain goes to 3-2.  By the way, can someone tell me what's wrong with Clint Eastwood?  He sounds like he had just taken a big bite from a sandwich before he read the "Best Director" nominees.

10:35 p.m. – Audience daringly gives Eric McCormack a lukewarm reaction when he says what is needed for a successful TV series is "gay people."  He then presents "Best TV Drama" to Lost, a show with the largest cast on network television but not one gay character.

10:43 p.m. – Marcia Cross, Terri Hatcher and Eva Longoria descend on Felicity Huffman and suck all the lymph from her body.

10:50 p.m. – That little sound you heard from the direction of Chelsea was Andy Towle flinging himself out a window: Heath Ledger loses "Best Actor" to Philip Seymour Hoffman.  Brokeback is now 3-3, but GLBT characters take the top two dramatic-acting trophies.

10:50 p.m. – Andy's defenestrated corpse misses Brokeback Mountain moving to 4-3 as it is named "Best Motion Picture (Drama)."

[Watch video – 5:39, WMV format, high bandwidth] [Watch video – 5:39, WMV format, low bandwidth]

10:58 p.m. – The broadcast ends with Mussolini-like efficiency.  Heather Ledger and Michelle Williams head home without having sex in the limo.

A SMATTERING OF OTHERS:

Brokeback Mountain Leads Golden Globes [Towleroad]

The Golden Gays [Queerty]

Thank you, Hollywood Foreign Press [Jossip]

An Enchanting Gay Horseback Ride With The Hollywood Foreign Press [Defamer]

The Golden Globes were Pretty Gay [A Socialite's Life]

Gays Sweep the Golden Globes [PEN15 Club]

The Golden Globes <3 The Gays [Trent]

Gay Is Golden [Rod 2.0]

The Globes Wrap-up [JoBlo.com]

Comments

[Queer Conservative]

What was the first award that Brokeback lost? I'm watching 24 so I'm depending on you for info Mal!

[Malcontent]

Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. Michelle Williams lost; Rachel Weisz ("The Constant Gardener") won.

[Robbie]

I didn't know Hugh Laurie was British . . .

[North Dallas Thirty]

Brandon Routh presents award. I hit "mute" as his comedy skills put me on the bus to Flaccidtown.

Just tell him to shut up and get to work. ;)

[Queer Conservative]

Comedic skills are so totally overrated. A big dick takes the curse off a lot.

Oops - did I say that outloud?

[Craig Ranapia]

QC:

Well, yes - but I get your point. Being well-hung gets you a lot of slack in certain circles as long as you don't open your mouth and ruin the effect by speaking.

[Queer Conservative]

Talking is so totally optional.

[North Dallas Thirty]

Tonight Mariah Carey is wearing Chanel. In other news, Chanel runs out of fabric, rushes into court for Chapter 11 protection.

And at the rate she's going, next year will be the red-carpet debut of Omar the Tentmaker. My god, woman, most people get a clue when their dresses include an awning and a zip-in floor!

Then again, maybe Chastity Bono needs competition...

[Craig Ranapia]

Robbie:

You don't watch enough PBS. :) 'Jeeves and Wooster' did the rounds on Masterpiece Theatre, and I'm pretty sure 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' & 'Blackadder' must have landed somewhere in the US.

[Craig Ranapia]

I finally saw Cloony's riff on Jack Abramoff. Oy... Couldn't they let Bruce Vilanch out of Celebrity Fat Camp on compassionate grounds because watching George do his own material is outright cruel.

[Queer Conservative]

Ha ha ha George. Ha ha ha.

[Greg]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that noticed Clint Eastwood's speech impediment. Oh, and Mal... I applaud you on the use of "defenstraded".

[Greg]

Or perhaps even "defenestrated."

[North Dallas Thirty]

I can hardly wait for GLAAD's announcement tomorrow that whoever awards the Golden Globes is "antigay" for Brokeback not winning every one of them. =)

[Craig Ranapia]

NDT:

Oh, come on - why go for something as simple as homophobia when you can spin out a fun conspiracy theory? I blame Naomi Watts myself. She looks like the kind of vicious ho who'd go down on the entire voting membership of the HFPA in a roaring rampage of revenge.

[Habibie]

I don't get the Heather Ledger joke. :(

[Tallglass]

was jonathan rhys-meyers on crack, or did he just need to pee?

[zed]

Oh and for the final joke, On the cover of the Chicago newspapers this AM is "Reese Witherspoon!!!" WTF???? She won one award?? And Brokeback is nary mentioned.

[dick]

Did anyone report that Jaime Foxx mis pronounced Laura Linney's name as Linley?

[Mary]

Can we talk about Drew Barrymore's boobs, because, really, I didn't need to see that much. GET A BRA, WOMAN!

[Jordan @ PEN15]

"9:00 p.m. – Jamie Foxx's clipped delivery suggests that his next film is a Jesse Jackson biopic."

I salute you.

[North Dallas Thirty]

Holy smokes, Mary, you're right.....I'm surprised she didn't trip over them getting onto stage!

However, give the girl SOME credit..... at least she bothered to cover them.

Oh, come on - why go for something as simple as homophobia when you can spin out a fun conspiracy theory? I blame Naomi Watts myself. She looks like the kind of vicious ho who'd go down on the entire voting membership of the HFPA in a roaring rampage of revenge.

Film tonight at 11. :)

[EgOiStE]

10:50 p.m. – That little sound you heard from the direction of Chelsea was Andy Towle flinging himself out a window: Heath Ledger loses "Best Actor" to Philip Seymour Hoffman

LOL. PRICELESS!