The Malcontent's "Survivor 12 Gaydar Challenge"

With the premiere of "Survivor: Panama – Exile Island" just days away (Feb. 2), it's time once again to pull out the ol' Survivor Gaydar™.  Because we know there is always at least one.

Armed with only the castaways' photos, biographies and my Google toolbar, I was pretty successful in my prognostications last time, having "nailed" Rafe, so to speak, before the first episode even aired.  As for Brian, I think he still just doesn't quite know it yet.

So without any further ado, your guide to what is (potentially) gay about the men of "Survivor 12":

NAME: Aras Baskauskas WHY HE MIGHT BE GAY: This Lithuanian cutie, who played professional hoops for a time, has come down with a slight touch of Gayface.  His condition is serious but isn't necessarily considered to be heterosexuality-threatening. "Currently single."  Opened a "donation-based yoga studio" in South Africa. "In 2003, he was named one of UC Irvine's 'Most Eligible Bachelors' in the student newspaper."  Do they mean "eligible" in a George Clooney kind of way? Has dabbled in the faux-hawk.  Cites favorite actors (John Cusack, Dustin Hoffman), but no actresses. Favorite scent: "Lavender." Favorite fruit: Banana.

NAME: Austin Carty WHY HE MIGHT BE GAY: Austin is my No. 1 seed in the Survivor Gaydar Challenge. Pretty boy.  Model and actor.  Educated in "speech communications," a field dominated by the 'mos.  Has worked in retail, is currently "single" and has a beauty-pageant sister.  Attended that hotbed of man-love, Liberty University.  Also has a bit o' the Gayface. Austin is also a (self-)published author, having written "Somewhere Beyond Here" (available for $13.59 at Amazon.com).  It is described as the story of a young man who "transforms into a young boy whose only ability is to depend on the one lady who'll always be there for him: his mother. ... Forgetting his faith, his friends, and his fiancee, Gray lets go of it all to spend time and grieve with his mother. " As one reader said of Austin, "I think the author may in turn suffer from an Oedipus complex."  And, of course, an Oedipal complex is just a short ferry ride from Moville. Favorite colors: Blue, green.  I sense a pattern here. The clincher for the numerologist in me, of course, is that Austin's birthdate is April 29, or 4/29.

NAME: Bobby Mason WHY HE MIGHT BE GAY: He's not.  And judging from his life in South Central and all the tats he is sporting, he might just kick my ass even for suggesting otherwise.  (Did I say "tats"?  Hmm, wait a minute ...)

NAME: Bruce Kanegai WHY HE MIGHT BE GAY: Has the gayest name in the bunch, in the absence of a Scott, a Brian or an Amanda Lepore. Knows how to handle a snake. But he has a fifth-degree black belt in karate.  Could also probably wipe the floor with me.  Hassan Chop!

NAME: Dan Barry WHY HE MIGHT BE GAY: Is a scientist, a profession not known for its ability to attract dates, but is also a former NASA astronaut, making him a virtual pussy magnet.  Was on the first mission to dock with the International Space Station, as hetero-coital a metaphor as there is. However, Dan enjoys a good showtune and has spent time in "Woods Hole." Is from the state of gay marriage, Massachusetts, but has been in a straight marriage for 24 years. Favorite alcoholic drink: Frozen strawberry margarita.

NAME: Nick Stanbury WHY HE MIGHT BE GAY: Because we really, really want him to be. "Currently single."  Enjoys "Nip/Tuck."  Actually believes Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen to be "actresses." Grew up in Riverton, Wyo., the same town that Ennis and Alma moved to (and just down the road from where I grew up).  I'm thinking that whole state might be something of a queerifying vortex. Probably the most enigmatic castaway, nothing unrelated to "Survivor" shows up on Google for Nick.

NAME: Shane Powers WHY HE MIGHT BE GAY: Excessively butch moniker recalls Homer Simpson's ham-handed name change.  Uncanny resemblance to Kenny Loggins makes us even gayer just looking at him. Favorite color: "Scarlet."  Not red.  "Scarlet." Favorite flower: "Lavender." In an act of over-compensation, claims one of his favorite scents to be "girls that get the perfume right." In an act of extreme over-compensation, has fathered a son.

NAME: Terry Deitz WHY HE MIGHT BE GAY: That shirt.

Comments

[Robbie]

In an act of extreme over-compensation, has fathered a son.

You crack me up.

[Queer Conservative]

Hey! I majored in Speech Communication, thank you very much! Oh...wait...

[Jamie]

I can't believe the fashion police let you get away with that last one, Mal, cause only a straight man would wear that shirt--or a closeted gay man. MY DAD has practically only wears shirts like that. (Don't go there.)

If that's not straight out of the JCPenney catalog I'll eat MY shirt.

[Jill]

Hilarious. Absolutely fucking hilarious. I was pointed here by ModFab, and I'm glad I stopped by.

Funny, funny stuff. Bashing Survivor contestants is a favorite pastime.