I'm an enthusiastic fan of David Blaine. By this I naturally mean I am seized by supernatural excitement whenever there rests the remotest possibility he will be agonizingly stung to death by a thundercloud of scorpions.
Right in the penis.
It is for this reason, and this reason alone, I subjected myself and potential innocents to ABC's overmilked, two-hour tedium fest "David Blaine: Drowned Alive." While he may be the world's biggest masochist, the viewers at home came in second by a razor thin margin.
We'll set aside the masturbatory philosophizing about pushing his body to the limits. When you've been unwillingly subjected to party porn with ominous titles like "Elbow Deep," somehow the magic of standing up for a few hours loses its lustre. No, the real crime here (aside from the soul-afflicting boredom) laid in his desperate attempts to bask in and absorb the reflected glory of people like Aron Ralston, a hiker who cut off his own arm. David Blaine sat in a box for forty-four days. This hiker cut off his own arm. We'll not even get into the macabre rebroadcast of this woman's death during early primetime, and the creepy, mocking assurances by commentaters that Blaine would succeed where she failed.
So it was with great, almost electrically erotic pleasure that we saw Blaine submit to utter defeat. How I wish I could sprinkle his tears over my morning cheerios. The smug, self-satisfied, sadistically-monotoned, pointless, publicity-seeking ass nearly killed himself. I suppose what I'm trying to say is "David Blaine: Drowned Alive" totally delivered. After witnessing that, I wanted to high-five God.
Mal has very generously remixed the video from last night, to more accurately reflect and comment upon this now treasured television event.
[Watch video – 11:27, WMV format, high bandwidth]
[Watch video – 11:27, WMV format, low bandwidth]