Drowning in Schadenfreude
I'm an enthusiastic fan of David Blaine. By this I naturally mean I am seized by supernatural excitement whenever there rests the remotest possibility he will be agonizingly stung to death by a thundercloud of scorpions.
Right in the penis.
It is for this reason, and this reason alone, I subjected myself and potential innocents to ABC's overmilked, two-hour tedium fest "David Blaine: Drowned Alive." While he may be the world's biggest masochist, the viewers at home came in second by a razor thin margin.
We'll set aside the masturbatory philosophizing about pushing his body to the limits. When you've been unwillingly subjected to party porn with ominous titles like "Elbow Deep," somehow the magic of standing up for a few hours loses its lustre. No, the real crime here (aside from the soul-afflicting boredom) laid in his desperate attempts to bask in and absorb the reflected glory of people like Aron Ralston, a hiker who cut off his own arm. David Blaine sat in a box for forty-four days. This hiker cut off his own arm. We'll not even get into the macabre rebroadcast of this woman's death during early primetime, and the creepy, mocking assurances by commentaters that Blaine would succeed where she failed.
So it was with great, almost electrically erotic pleasure that we saw Blaine submit to utter defeat. How I wish I could sprinkle his tears over my morning cheerios. The smug, self-satisfied, sadistically-monotoned, pointless, publicity-seeking ass nearly killed himself. I suppose what I'm trying to say is "David Blaine: Drowned Alive" totally delivered. After witnessing that, I wanted to high-five God.
Mal has very generously remixed the video from last night, to more accurately reflect and comment upon this now treasured television event.
[Watch video – 11:27, WMV format, high bandwidth]
[Watch video – 11:27, WMV format, low bandwidth]
Hating is too easy.
Posted by: rod | May 09, 2006 at 09:10 AM
I am so glad I watched Antiques Road Show and a rerun of No Reservations(Anthony Bourdain).
Posted by: Donald | May 09, 2006 at 09:11 AM
I did wonder after writing the post if I was being over-harsh.
And then I realized it was David Blaine.
This kind of passionate disdain only comes once a lifetime.
Posted by: Robbie | May 09, 2006 at 09:14 AM
Sorry about the double post. Trigger finger here
Posted by: Donald | May 09, 2006 at 09:29 AM
I completely and utterly missed this ground shaking television broadcast --but then, I missed Jerry Rivers uncovering Al Capone's secret vault, Graham Norton on the boob-tube about anything (proving the names boob tube and couch potato really do fit those who watch inordinate amounts of TV fluff), or nearly any reality-based show --including Bachlorette, Survivor or any show with a naturalist wrestling a gator and then filling the air with alarm when the gator tries to bite back.
TV... it's why the gay God invented clubs and an endless litany of new mixed drinks.
Posted by: Michigan-Matt | May 09, 2006 at 09:47 AM
Oh yeah, I forgot... add Al Gore's "Current TV" premiership to the list of ground shaking TV broadcasts I missed... right up there with David Blaine.
Posted by: Michigan-Matt | May 09, 2006 at 09:50 AM
Yeah, he's pretty much a nut-job, but I will give him credit for being able to hold his breath for 7 minutes.
Guess he's not a smoker.
Posted by: Jamie | May 09, 2006 at 10:31 AM
Fortunately, I started around minute two of his drowning himself. Sadly, those next few minutes seemed like an eternity for me as well...that was some of the most pointless, annoying sports commentary EVER.
Posted by: The Rev. Jack Malebranche | May 09, 2006 at 10:47 AM
The Passion of The Christ-esque music was a special touch.
David Blaine - NO BREEDING!
Posted by: louis | May 09, 2006 at 10:49 AM
Overheardinnewyork.com has some HILARIOUS quotes of DB's visitors. I nearly peed myself.
Posted by: MT | May 09, 2006 at 10:52 AM
Did it ever occur to you that you're at your best writing pitch when you're in an angry-bitch-from-hell mood? Hmmmm.
Posted by: EssEm | May 09, 2006 at 11:16 AM
yeah yeah yeah ... but i'd still do him. (at least after his pruniness dries out).. but that's just me.
Posted by: el polacko | May 09, 2006 at 04:36 PM
OMG! Me, Robbie, Louis, Jack, Jamie, Michigan-Matt...
We're all agreeing about this...
Everyone make a wish!
Posted by: Queer Conservative | May 09, 2006 at 07:26 PM
They pay Blaine to do this?!?
Flipping channels last night, I caught less than one second and could not press the remote fast enough to get away. But your commentary, Robbie, almost redeems the whole sorry spectacle - almost. Thank you.
Posted by: Tommy | May 09, 2006 at 08:41 PM
OMG! Me, Robbie, Louis, Jack, Jamie, Michigan-Matt...
We're all agreeing about this...
Everyone make a wish
First one singing Kumbaya gets to sleep in Blaine's fishbowl. And you know he peed in it.
Posted by: Jamie | May 09, 2006 at 09:05 PM
Hahaha, he choked. Literally.
Posted by: Josh | May 09, 2006 at 11:38 PM
p.s. In the Blaine-tologist episode of South Park, Mohammed teams up with Jesus and Buddha to defeat David Blaine and his reanimated statue of Abraham Lincoln (Jesus uses his power of carpentry to build a giant statue of John Wilkes Booth to defeat him). It's pretty fucking brilliant.
Posted by: Josh | May 09, 2006 at 11:40 PM