unique visitors since July 27, 2005

July 02, 2009

Thanks, Gwyneth!

I've insomnia, I'm exhausted, and I hate her, so why not.

Gwyneth Paltrow speaks almost perfect Spanish - and she does it with an Iberian accent.

But no matter the language, Gwyneth Paltrow will still manage some fiercely self-obsessed bullshit.

The Oscar-winning actress says she traveled to Spain as a teenager, fell in love with the country, and embraces the culture to the point that she visits at least once a year and makes sure her young children, Apple and Moses, also speak the language.

Which is a good thing, because once they're free of your pointlessly eccentric grasp, Apple and Moses will realize their names look fucking ridiculous in English.

"When I was 15, I went to a small town outside Talavera de la Reina and I had the most wonderful experience. It really changed my life," Paltrow said in fluent Spanish during a recent interview.

"I'll never forget the day Santiago gave me madeira, and made a woman of me, and made me wear that ridiculous hat, and told me I was a really good actress."

"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible," she said.

Eddie Izzard, call your attorney.

"Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their Blackberries on."

Of course they enjoy living there more. Unlike Americans, they haven't been mercilessly subjected to your films. And I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I keep my Blackberry on just so I can be immediately texted the very instant that you finally go away.

Paltrow remains close to the family she lived with in Spain, calling them "my Spanish mother" and "my brothers" from Spain. Her success as an actress, she says, hasn't impressed them.

And you still aren't taking the hint! And who wrote this article, the national tourism board? A Spanish family from Spain who also live in Spain. Spain!

The 36-year-old actress, who is married to Coldplay's Chris Martin, says she talks to her children in Spanish.

Wait, she knows Spanish? I wish they'd mentioned this fact earlier in the article, otherwise I wouldn't be so adrift in this cold darkness where I'm somehow unaware of Gwyneth's dazzling linguistic abilities. Did I miss where she - or this reporter - were hired by the Rosetta fucking Stone?

"Moses speaks a little bit, but understands everything. Apple speaks a lot," she says.

Mostly to social services, in chilling tones of quiet desperation.

Paltrow shot "Spain ... on the Road Again" with chef Mario Batali, cooking expert Mark Bittman and actress Claudia Bassols. They traveled throughout the country, sampling traditional foods and praising the virtues of Spain, its people and cuisine.

But mostly they praised Gwyneth's amazing ability to stammer out an "hola".

She's also writing a book on U.S. cuisine with Spanish influence that is due out next year. " ... I love food, I love to eat," she says. "I can't go on diets. I have to do a lot of exercise."

Because that's who I turn to for cooking advice - bulimics.

She also enjoys Mexican, Italian and Japanese food.

Especially on its way back up.

Has she considered acting in Spanish?

You poor Spanish bastards from Spain. Run!

"I would love to. I haven't found the script yet, but the first (movie) would have to be a small role, not very important, because I imagine I would have to get used to acting in Spanish," she says.

Oh, fuck it, this is too easy.

Paltrow says she'd like to work with Spanish directors Pedro Almodovar and Alejandro Amenabar and Mexico's Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu. And she says she would like to work again with Mexico's Alfonso Cuaron, who directed her in 1998's "Great Expectations."

To low box office returns.

She is now shooting "Iron Man 2," in which she reprises her role as Pepper Potts. "We're all back together: Robert Downey, Jon Favreau, the director. And Scarlett Johansson is with us, Mickey Rourke. ... It's a phenomenal group, we are having a great time."

Forcing a recovering addict to interact with Gwyneth Paltrow is just cruel.

Anyway, this was wildly inappropriate and pointless, but a great deal of fun. I feel much better now.

May 31, 2006

And My Dear, She's Still Here

Malbug_13Taylor1 The Malcontent apologizes profusely for helping feed speculation about the impending death of Dame Elizabeth Taylor.

Instead, the 74-year-old screen legend turned up last night on Larry King, looking about as chipper as possible and certainly more lucid than she was at the 2001 Golden Globes.

The very much alive Taylor refuted rumors of her demise and partially dismissed reports of having "Alts-heimer's," although there were moments to make one wonder about the line between fact and fiction.

Normally I am impervious to Larry's sycophantic coddling of his guests, but I admit to a soft spot in my cold, brackish heart for the old broad.  Six days before the 25th anniversary of the CDC report that is generally regarded as the start of the AIDS pandemic, she is still a driving force behind eradication of the disease.  She was red ribbon before red ribbon was cool.

Taylor waxed nostaligic about many of her costars including Rock Hudson, whom she said would be out of the closet if he were alive today.  Oh, and she peddled her jewelry.  It's ugly as sin, but I might buy some anyway.

[Watch video – 7:50, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 7:50, WMV format, low bandwidth]

May 25, 2006

180 Degrees From Cooper

Jaredleto A very strange sexuality news day. First we hear tell that Anderson Cooper is a big fan of girl bits, and now super hottie Jared Leto kinda, sorta, maybe, potentially comes out?

ThirtySecondLeto: I’ll give you an exclusive.... TyeinMusic: ooh. lay it on me
ThirtySecondLeto: I’m gay
TyeinMusic: *!*
TyeinMusic: please tell me you're serious
ThirtySecondLeto: as a goose.

Worth Repeating has more details and the entire interview with AOL.

Pic comment from Patrick in L.A.: "He has a pink wrist band on. That picture was taken after a night out in West Hollywood for sure. He's doing the walk of shame."

A Taylor Made Freak Show

Hasselhoff the Pussy I don't want to talk about it. When the fire came cascading down and Great White's manager was nowhere in sight, I knew it was all over.

David Hasslehoff was crying. Crying. In German, no less. It sounds a lot like shizer dialogue to hear it. Which is to say nothing of the fisting America received when that . . . that . . . thing took home the trophy.

Still, let's lump this up in halves. How to fill a two hour show dependent on a five second announcement? Plenty of performances, but also plenty of painful, cringe-inducing bits like extended dining lessons between Kellie Pickler and Wolfgang Puck that left us praying for a future mobile home accident on a treacherous mountain road. "Caleeemaaareeee?!" Die.

Taylor_winI've sorted through the fluff for my favorite moments, including the "surprise" appearance by the Gayken. His jittery, squealing, orgasming look-alike made the entire bit. I'd like to take this opportunity to chastise our readers as well. How is it that there was footage of Ace Young and Chris Daughtry in a crushing, grappling man-hug, and no one alerted us?! For shame. That is hours of fantasy we'll never get back. Also included in this clip is the winner's announcement. It was the fluffiest thing of all.

[Watch video – 9:50, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:50, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Before I get to the performances, let me just say this - If Katharine had sang half as well during the competition as she did in last night's finale show, she would have won hands down. Now more than ever, I'm convinced song choice was her ultimate undoing. Not that I'm excruciatingly bitter or anything. Not at all. Moving swiftly on.

PrinceThere were far too many performances to capture, so these highlights are by no means comprehensive. Chris Daughtry appeared with the band Live. Their album, Throwing Copper, came out back in the 19th century when I earned my driver's license, so I'm partial to them. Does Meatloaf have Parkinson's? The man schooled Hicks in the trembling performance department. Still, Kat shined and decided to, you know, emote. Now that it doesn't mean anything. (ed. Robbie, you're bitter!) I'm not.

I'm not ready to see Taylor Hicks freak dancing with Toni Braxton. I don't think anyone is.

One last parting shot of the Manateesa (hate!). Kevin Covais singing What's New Pussycat is the stuff of recurring nightmares. Dionne Warwick showcases what happens when you smoke five packs of ultra strength Marlboros a day for fifty years. Then again, she knew who the winner was all along, right? The blood-drinking seems to have paid off for Prince. I'm sorry, whenever I hear his music I think of the Joker mucking up an art museum. The purple doesn't help. And finally, Kat does a little stand-in-place jog-dancing/dress-foofing a la Jennifer Grey at the end of Dirty Dancing.

[Watch video – 15:37, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 15:37, WMV format, low bandwidth]

May 23, 2006

The Other Shoe Drops

Lawsuits Malbug_17I suppose it was the kiss of death to put a javascript counter at the upper-left counting up from the last time we received a "cease and desist" order.

On Sunday, the counter had finally reached 300 days.  Given the fact that I started the blog on July 25, 2005, that would mean we have never received such an order.

That is, until yesterday.

At least one lawyer out there seems to think that The Malcontent is infringing on his client's copyright.  His demand, however, is that we pull down 100 percent of all video and images related to this celebrity.

There are a couple of things wrong with this: First, we are not willfully infringing on anything, and that is very important from a legal standpoint.

And second, I always operate within the bounds of "fair use."  This is not some bittorrent site that is just making episodes of programs available willy-nilly.  It is a gay-related site, operated by a trained journalist, that provides portions of and commentary upon media materials of interest to the gay community.

Here is what the law says, in part, about "fair use":

[T]he fair use of a copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright. In determining whether the use made of a work in any particular case is a fair use the factors to be considered shall include —

(1) the purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of a commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes;

(2) the nature of the copyrighted work;

(3) the amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole; and

(4) the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work.

(Emphasis added.)

I think it's clear that this blog and the content we make available fit within those definitions.  I have never tried to pass off the copyrighted work of others as my own.

If additional disclaimer is required or the "substantiality" of the content can be negotiated, then it will be.  But a blanket demand for removal of content is absurd, and that will be my response to the attorney.

So that brings us to our poll (upper-right corner) — more of a quiz, actually: Which celebrity is responsible for our first C&D order?


UPDATE: In the "making matters worse" category, look which "random" Google ad sometimes just happens to pop up when you click on the poll results button (I swear, this is not a commentary on the correct answer):

Pollad

May 16, 2006

Daytime Sight-Seeing

Admittedly, I'm feeling a little skint in the blogging area of late. This week I've learned that there seems to be some sort of national tiff developing over immigration, and gay activists really, really hate Mary Cheney. Check out these reviews. So, we gay folk are basically a writhing horde of petulant eight grade girls. Excellent. That being what it is, I've decided my only coherent contribution is to shamelessly ogle cute male celebrities. In that spirit . . .

Justin_chambersJustin Chambers, the aforementioned Grey's Anatomy hottie, sat down with the harpies of the View this morning. While the character he plays, Alex, is a self-absorbed hard-ass, Justin seems quiet, unassuming, even shy. Then again, who wouldn't shrink in terror when faced with the withered plastic visage of Starr Jones Reynolds? I could quibble with the goatee and why on earth his hair is parted that way, but he still fills out a pair of jeans quite nicely.

[Watch video – 6:06, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 6:06, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Nick_lacheyNick Lachey visited everyone's favorite lesbian this afternoon for some mama bear treatment and to perform a badly off-key song, much to a backstage Chris Daughtry's eternal amusement. Chris, however, has no reason to snicker. He somehow came to the conclusion that singing that Bon Jovi song for the billionth time on his thousandth talk show appearance was a terrific way to not-at-all get us over him. I've spared the musical repeat from the clip.

[Watch video – 10:50, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 10:50, WMV format, low bandwidth]

May 11, 2006

The Best Straight Friend We Wish We Had

Kathy_griffin Given the sparkly bent of our genetic code, it goes without saying that we here at Malcontent are big fans of Kathy Griffin. Whenever a commercial airs promoting the upcoming June premiere of her Bravo show, My Life on the D-List, we're given to deep sighs and daydreams of one day earning an invitation to become one of her gays.

As a taste of things to come, everyone's favorite fagnet hits the boards with her latest stand-up special, Kathy Griffin: Strong Black Woman. In these highlights, Kathy dishes about her rapid pink-slipping from the E! Red Carpet Special, celebrity rehab, her feud with Steven Spielberg, Tom Cruise's meltdown, who us gay folk lust after, Anderson Cooper, and the greatest things about Oprah.

Catching the entire show on Bravo is highly, highly recommended, if only for her total re-enactment of being locked out of a hotel room without any pants, and a backstage session with Celine Dion that includes autographs, photos, and light petting.

[Watch video – 11:57, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 11:57, WMV format, low bandwidth]

May 09, 2006

Don't Leave Me, Kevin!

Malbug_17

Sean Preston is getting a sibling.

How much white trash can one planet take?

Battle of the Religious Wacko Summer Movies

Hanks1 Malbug_17

Seems the Scientologists have had more luck shutting down unflattering portrayals of their cult "religion" lately than have the Catholics.

Tom Cruise got the infamous "South Park" episode yanked, but thus far, the steamroller of PR for The Da Vinci Code rolls on, despite the best efforts of the Catholic hierarchy.

Eight-time host of "Saturday Night Live" Tom Hanks returned to the late-night show this weekend to promote his impending summer blockbuster, and once again he showed his comedic roots.

In these two sketches, he is featured as the world's grossest yoga partner, and also in a group of four tennis snobs who happened to have 13 arms among them.

[Watch video – 9:09, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:09, WMV format, low bandwidth]

May 08, 2006

Cruise Gets Bruised

Malbug_17

Cruise-azy Poor Tom Cruise.  His movie made only a paltry $48 million at the box office this weekend.

That might sound like a lot, but for a film that cost more than three times that much to make, and which had been predicted to earn much more, everybody's favorite vitamin-taking cult member might want to threaten to eat a few less placentas.  ("Placentii"?)

NBC's "Dateline" show decided to take a far less ass-sucking route than Diane Sawyer on the publicity parade, opting for plenty of Scientology hijinks rather than Cruise's boyhood sob story.

You know when bloggers like Jessica Coen and Perez are featured in the piece that the claws are bound to come out.

By the way, who's the guy next to Cruise in the picture, anyway?  Is it, you know — "him"?

[Watch video – 11:30, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 11:30, WMV format, low bandwidth]

April 27, 2006

Icon in Decline

Malbug_13Elizabeth_taylor Sad news today that screen legend and humanitarian Elizabeth Taylor, 74, might be near death.  She was diagnosed in 2004 with congestive heart failure after a lifetime of ill health.

Taylor has already raised more than $50 million for AIDS-related causes, and it sounds as if her immense generosity won't end with her death:

"She's not leaving a lot of money to her children. She wants the bulk of her fortune to go to AIDS research."

Classy lady.  While many will always remember her for her timeless beauty, it's her beautiful soul that has made a more meaningful impact.

April 24, 2006

World o' Cults

Malbug_13Bill Maher predictably had a few things to say about the birth last week of Suri Holmes Cruise.

Do you think there were any gay jokes?  Naaaahhhhh ...

[Watch video – 1:18, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 1:18, WMV format, low bandwidth]

April 18, 2006

Scenes from a Duane Reade - UPDATED

Malbug_13Who knew that they now sell the Tom Cruise Hungry Man Dinner in the hair products aisle?:

Placentalicious

BREAKING NEWS: Tomkitten emerges silently from womb; cult followers give baby girl a Jewish name.

Inquiring minds still want to know what Tom had for dinner ...

April 17, 2006

Buy One Thetan Level, Get Fellated By Sawyer For Free!

Tom_cruise I'll never quite understand why Diane Sawyer is considered a serious journalist, especially not when the majority of her work involves the kind of verbal lubrication on ample display during Primetime Friday.

Tom Cruise was given a full half hour to gush, explain the wonders of Scientology, and generally keep America enthralled with the kind of soft, velvety vocal tone that usually precedes instructions about arsenic-laced cocktails. The man may be thetan level VII, but he's creepy level ten in my book.

Apologies for the storm warnings in places. We're having a rather eventful spring 'round these parts.

[Watch video – 9:16, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:16, WMV format, low bandwidth]

April 14, 2006

Do Italian Spammers Live in Caves?

Malbug_13There is so much wrong about this email (and the fact that I got it) that I don't know where to begin:

Pheromones

April 13, 2006

Comedy-of-Errors Central

Malbug_13This is probably my favorite story of the week.

The DaVinci Academy, a charter school in Ogden, Utah, booked Jon Stewart to speak at its annual benefit dinner.  It negotiated with him with months before landing the major booking.

But last week, it learned that it had booked Jon A. Stewart, a former motivational speaker, businessman and part-time professional wrestler from Chicago. [...]

After the school canceled Jon A. Stewart this week, performing groups from Weber State University and the Terrace Playhouse offered to be replacement acts at the event, and DaVinci welcomed them with open arms.

School officials reportedly turned to the performing groups after they were snubbed by Stephen Q. Colbert.

[h/t TV Squad]

April 11, 2006

The Jokes Practically Write Themselves

Malbug_13Tom Cruise?  In a cockpit?  No, too easy – I think I'll pass.

Cruise cockpit

[h/t multiple]

Paula Abdul: Career Suic-idol

Paula_hat Malbug_13America's favorite toxicomaniac, Paula Abdul, made an especially bizarre appearance on "The Tonight Show" last night.  And for her, that is saying a lot.

Abdul entered in the get-up pictured on the right and tried to defuse Jay Leno's previous jokes about her chemically enhanced state by claiming (jokingly?) to be an alcoholic.

Of course, anyone who pays even fleeting attention to Paula on "American Idol" probably suspects her substance of choice is a bit stronger than hooch.  As my co-blogger told me, it's like "watching a high woman pretending to be a sober person pretending to be a serial drunk."

As a pre-emptive strike against David Letterman's attorneys, she slurred her way through a "Top Five" list of reasons why "drinks" too much.  The audience tried to choke out a few mercy laughs, but you could literally hear the douche chillsBRRrrrrr ...

Jay also asked her about her "rough week," an allusion to her having suffered an alleged assault, but she wasn't forthcoming on details.  According to UPI:

US Weekly ... said Abdul and her former boyfriend, Dante Spencer, got into an altercation with former CAA agent Jim Lefkowitz at a party Saturday night.

Is that the drug addict's version of "she fell down the stairs"?

[Watch video – 10:52, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 10:52, WMV format, low bandwidth]

April 05, 2006

Down Goes Tyra!

Malbug_13

The "Insider/Entertainment Tonight" nexus is always good for a laugh or two.

Tonight, "The Insider" covered John Travolta and Kelly Preston's freakish Scientology crusade against the use of psychotropic drugs – which Travolta mispronounced, as in, "Psycho Tropic of Cancer."  Appallingly, the show did so with a straight face, even billing the wackos' harmful work as "humanitarian."

It's a little hard to take Travolta seriously when he gives the name of a website as "fight-for-kids-dot-organization."  (And is it really a surprise that he will be playing a role made famous by Divine?)

And then on "Entertainment Tonight," we were provided with a cruel tease regarding Tyra Banks fainting spell on "America's Next Top Model," which was to air tonight.

What caused it?  Did Tyra not eat enough grains of rice for dinner?  Was her Victoria's Secret bra on too tight?  Did the helium that was holding her head aloft finally escape through her ears?

Apparently she was "acting."  I guess you have to "act" when you're a model.

[Watch video – 2:47, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 2:47, WMV format, low bandwidth]

MaudlinSaysWhat?

Malbug_13Katie Couric makes the least surprising announcement of the week:

Couric

[Watch video – 5:05, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 5:05, WMV ormat, low bandwidth]



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