A Taylor Made Freak Show
I don't want to talk about it. When the fire came cascading down and Great White's manager was nowhere in sight, I knew it was all over.
David Hasslehoff was crying. Crying. In German, no less. It sounds a lot like shizer dialogue to hear it. Which is to say nothing of the fisting America received when that . . . that . . . thing took home the trophy.
Still, let's lump this up in halves. How to fill a two hour show dependent on a five second announcement? Plenty of performances, but also plenty of painful, cringe-inducing bits like extended dining lessons between Kellie Pickler and Wolfgang Puck that left us praying for a future mobile home accident on a treacherous mountain road. "Caleeemaaareeee?!" Die.
I've sorted through the fluff for my favorite moments, including the "surprise" appearance by the Gayken. His jittery, squealing, orgasming look-alike made the entire bit. I'd like to take this opportunity to chastise our readers as well. How is it that there was footage of Ace Young and Chris Daughtry in a crushing, grappling man-hug, and no one alerted us?! For shame. That is hours of fantasy we'll never get back. Also included in this clip is the winner's announcement. It was the fluffiest thing of all.
[Watch video – 9:50, WMV format, high bandwidth]
[Watch video – 9:50, WMV format, low bandwidth]
Before I get to the performances, let me just say this - If Katharine had sang half as well during the competition as she did in last night's finale show, she would have won hands down. Now more than ever, I'm convinced song choice was her ultimate undoing. Not that I'm excruciatingly bitter or anything. Not at all. Moving swiftly on.
There were far too many performances to capture, so these highlights are by no means comprehensive. Chris Daughtry appeared with the band Live. Their album, Throwing Copper, came out back in the 19th century when I earned my driver's license, so I'm partial to them. Does Meatloaf have Parkinson's? The man schooled Hicks in the trembling performance department. Still, Kat shined and decided to, you know, emote. Now that it doesn't mean anything. (ed. Robbie, you're bitter!) I'm not.
I'm not ready to see Taylor Hicks freak dancing with Toni Braxton. I don't think anyone is.
One last parting shot of the Manateesa (hate!). Kevin Covais singing What's New Pussycat is the stuff of recurring nightmares. Dionne Warwick showcases what happens when you smoke five packs of ultra strength Marlboros a day for fifty years. Then again, she knew who the winner was all along, right? The blood-drinking seems to have paid off for Prince. I'm sorry, whenever I hear his music I think of the Joker mucking up an art museum. The purple doesn't help. And finally, Kat does a little stand-in-place jog-dancing/dress-foofing a la Jennifer Grey at the end of Dirty Dancing.
[Watch video – 15:37, WMV format, high bandwidth]
[Watch video – 15:37, WMV format, low bandwidth]