Imagine the runniest, most foul-smelling and gut-wrenching bout of diarrhea you have ever had in your life.
Now imagine it in celluloid form and projected onto a movie screen, and you will have Silent Hill, a movie on which I wasted two hours of my life and $13 yesterday afternoon.
I'm not going to bother with a full review because the film just isn't worth the effort or the bandwidth. But let's suffice it to say – as many critics have already done – that the dialog was leaden, the performances were almost universally laughable, and the plot isn't a plot so much as a cruel apparatus designed to torture anyone who is foolish enough to stay until the end credits.
With a running time of 127 minutes, that's a lot of pain to endure. My husband has no training whatsoever in film or television, and even he had several good ideas where to make major edits. My own suggestion would have been to cut everything after the words "Silent Hill" came onscreen.
Oddly, for a horror movie, Silent Hill isn't all that scary, although many of the CGI ghoulies and ghosties were at least visually striking. But it is quite gory. Appallingly, pornographically, disturbingly gory.
Specifically, the climactic scene of revenge near the end has enough gore by itself for at least three or four Wes Craven franchises. Bodies are ripped in two, chopped, diced and julienned by razor-wire. Women are vaginally, bloodily raped by the wire. Skin is flayed, clothes are stripped, extremities are severed. Blood flies, gushes and spatters. And all this in a church, no less.
It wasn't unlike the prom scene from Carrie, except that Carrie in this case was not a tormented high schooler whose dousing with pig's blood was a cruel prank, but rather a 9-year-old girl dancing merrily as the blood rained down upon her as if she were Gene Kelly.
Even with the normal suspension of disbelief one carries into a theater, the characters were almost completely unbelievable. They made choices that even the dullards who get offed in the first minutes of any Friday the 13th sequel would know to avoid.
If wooden acting, an unintentionally hilarious script, idiotic characters and plots with more dead-ends than the hunt for Osama bin Laden are your thing, then by all means, go see Silent Hill.
But for the rest of you, a word of advice, and that word is: Don't.