Mark Burnett and his happy wanderers have gotten around to defiling the sacred grounds of almost every ancient people, and now he has finally added the Mayans to the list with Survivor Guatemala, the 11th edition of the groundbreaking reality show that premieres tonight on CBS.
Herewith, a pre-premiere blow-by-blow on the men of Survivor.
Most Likely To Be Gay: Brian. Totally has the "gayface" thing going on. Knows far too well which color is the new black.
Plus, most straight guys think that "teal" is the guy who just got married to Heidi Klum.
Runner-Up: Rafe. I mean, c'mon – Rafe. Is coming down with a touch of gayface himself. Also knows teal and likes it, but calls it by its straighter moniker: blue-green, which is just a little too specific for a het anyway. And you know the producers had probably just seen Latter Days and were hoping for a little Mormon-on-waiter action. Points added for cologne use, subtracted for choosing Acqua Di Gio.
Least Likely To Be Gay: Gary Hogeboom. This sumbitch was a goddamn quarterback in the NFL.
Has wife and four kids. Has worked with "Youth for Christ." Reads Louis L'Amour. In spare time, kills bison armed with only a grapefruit spoon. (OK, I made that last part up.)
Most Likely To Be Felled By Grueling 11-Mile Hike: Judd. Lists Frankenberry, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Crunchberry, Funyuns, BBQ chips, popcorn, pudding, chocolate chip cookies, Snickers, and Reese's peanut butter cups among his favorite foods. Washes them all down with Crystal Light.
Most Likely To Be Eaten By Other Castaways After Hike: Judd.
"And the Rest": Blake, Brandon, Jamie and Jim. I had thought about including the first three in a "best looking" category, but frankly, none of the castaways really do much for me this year. Except for ...
Least Likely To Win: Bobby Jon Drinkard. The Survivor Palau alum is reportedly coming back again this year, but it isn't clear whether he will actually be competing. (His picture and that of fellow returnee Stephenie LaGrossa are not included among the 16 castaways on the CBS website.)
If he does compete, you can bet his teammates will decide he has already had his 15 minutes and toss him from the ziggurat, or wherever the torch-snuffings will take place.
However, he will add some welcome eye-candy to a visage-challenged group of castaways.