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May 16, 2006

Lock Up the Hatch

Hatch Malbug_17The first "Sole Survivor" has been sentenced to more than four years in the pokey.

For being so "cunning," Richard Hatch sure was stupid.

His contention that he thought CBS was supposed to pay the taxes on his $1 million prize might have been even remotely believable – might – if he hadn't also evaded the taxes on hundreds of thousands of dollars of other income.

Or did he think CBS was responsible for that too?

We'll see how long his sphincter can Outwit, Outplay and Outlast his fellow inmates.

On a related note, a crew member from "Survivor" told "The Howard Stern Show" that they were doing Hatch a big favor by pixelating the naked gay dude's genitals on TV.

May 15, 2006

Unreasonable Searches and Teasers

Malbug_17There is a lot of entertainment to be had in periodically checking out the facts that can be known about readers from their "cookie" crumbs, so to speak.  I never get to know much about you all personally from your monitor settings, your operating system, or the city where your ISP is.

But the keyword searches that get you here speak volumes.

For instance, at this moment, more than one-fifth of you who used a search engine to get here wanted to know variations on a single topic:

Search1

Someone looking for a sugar pop?

Then there is this, which I hope speaks more about the readers than Robbie and me:

Search2_1

And nearly as vile, this:

Search3

And puzzlingly, this:

Search4

Finally — and perhaps most disturbingly of all — there is this:

Search5

OK, people, now that's just sick.

February 03, 2006

Survivor: Fire Island

Survivor_1 With drums, chants, and quick edit cuts of fire, a new season of Survivor began last night with its gay audience quickly seeking out their own flames in human form. CBS is very solicitous of its audience this year, separating the sixteen contestants into age and sex, thus isolating all the beefcake into one easy-to-reference tribe.

How did Mal's picks fare? Right out the gate, Mal's favorite, Austin Carty, iterated a raging lust for all things puntang. This left us pondering the very much present gay face on Aras Baskauskas, even if he's a little out of his gourd. Still, we must forgive the cutie his strange yoga practices if they engender hot, shirtless men lightly touching one another in a scene that was biazarrely erotic, if not a little puzzling.

This year's Suvivor theme seems firmly fixed on the crazy, with Aras being joined by a sea turtle worshipping spiritualist and a grieving mother who passes time by writing the name of her recently deceased son in the sand with little flowers and heart designs.

This, coupled with a sleu of rule changes, should make for an interesting season.

[Watch video – 2:35, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 2:35, WMV format, low bandwidth]

December 12, 2005

Never Eat The Sacred Chicken

Blake2 Last night, the 11th season (!) of Survivor came to a close with a whimper rather than a bang - unless you're a Mayan god who is all sorts of unappreciative when others consume your sacred chicken. These are deities who ordered their priests to skip around ziggurats while wearing capes of human skin. You're going to eat their chicken? Not a good move, people.

After an apocalyptic thunderstorm that would have made the producers of the Day After Tomorrow blush with modesty, the audience found its optimism for cosmic justice crushed when the final four emerged relatively unscathed. Afterwards, there was a competition involving a maze, then an endurance challenge and . . .  let's be honest, here. If you've seen any episode of Survivor, you know the last two challenges of the game involve a maze and people standing and holding onto things for hours. You don't need survival instincts to win this contest - you need a yoga class.

The only real tension of the episode involved whether or not the skeletal Danni would bring the superfluously gay Rafe or an ever browner Stephanie to the finals. Rafe's insincere magnanimity in absolving Danni of all previous promises worked out about as well as these things generally do - which is to say he was bent over completely.

Then came the jury scenario. In summary:

"You lied to me!"
"I didn't lie!"
"Liar!"
"Do you admit you told lies, you lying liar McLiarson!"
"Are you proud of your lies, you princess of satanic deceit!?"
"Whore!"

Ok, I made that last one up. Barely. They all lie and they all know it. However, as in real life, being just as guilty never gets in the way of a good bit of posturing righteous indignation.

Suffice to say, I called Danni as the winner over a month ago as Queer Conservative can attest. We barely heard from her, never saw her on camera, and completely forgot about her for episodes at a time. Naturally, she won. Zzzz.

During the live reunion, her and Stephanie did purty up like truck stop waitresses, though. So there's that. A beefier, schizophrenic Jaime appeared as lickable as ever. We were reminded of people we forgot about months ago. Blake was hidden during most of the program, so I offer the above picture of him vomiting as a memorial to his ever-lasting hotness.

Overall, it was a fairly uninteresting season, marked by the early exit of the beefcake and lukewarm curiosity about which male contestants do and do not like the cock. If you're feeling nostalgic, we here at Malcontent have our comments on the season archived for your perusal.

Next up for Survivor: Panama. Drug-runners and rusted canal machinery. Hoo boy.

October 27, 2005

Pope Doffs Beanie, Bears Stop Shitting in Woods

Malbug_13

Lyle And Brian from "Survivor" says he's not gay.

Uhh, okay.  So I apologize for spotting his gayness before the show even premiered.  It was even more apparent to me than Rafe, who admits to being gay.

Amy was the chief one saying, "You don't know it yet, but you're gay."

And if Brian goes and gets married to a woman, maybe she'll know it soon enough too.  [HT: Towleroad]

September 15, 2005

Survivor, Episode 1: All You Need To Know

Malbug_13

Blake?  Hot.  (Hotter than I gave him credit for.)

Blake1

All the vomiting?  Not.

Blake2

(I pretty well nailed a lot of other things with my earlier commentary too.)

Outwit, Outplay, Just Plain "Out"

Malbug_13

Mark Burnett and his happy wanderers have gotten around to defiling the sacred grounds of almost every ancient people, and now he has finally added the Mayans to the list with Survivor Guatemala, the 11th edition of the groundbreaking reality show that premieres tonight on CBS.

Herewith, a pre-premiere blow-by-blow on the men of Survivor.

Brian_1Most Likely To Be Gay: Brian.  Totally has the "gayface" thing going on.  Knows far too well which color is the new black.

Plus, most straight guys think that "teal" is the guy who just got married to Heidi Klum.

RafeRunner-Up: Rafe. I mean, c'mon – Rafe.  Is coming down with a touch of gayface himself.  Also knows teal and likes it, but calls it by its straighter moniker: blue-green, which is just a little too specific for a het anyway.  And you know the producers had probably just seen Latter Days and were hoping for a little Mormon-on-waiter action.  Points added for cologne use, subtracted for choosing Acqua Di Gio.

GaryLeast Likely To Be Gay: Gary Hogeboom.  This sumbitch was a goddamn quarterback in the NFL.

Has wife and four kids.  Has worked with "Youth for Christ."  Reads Louis L'Amour.  In spare time, kills bison armed with only a grapefruit spoon.  (OK, I made that last part up.)

JuddMost Likely To Be Felled By Grueling 11-Mile Hike: Judd.  Lists Frankenberry, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Crunchberry, Funyuns, BBQ chips, popcorn, pudding, chocolate chip cookies, Snickers, and Reese's peanut butter cups among his favorite foods.  Washes them all down with Crystal Light.

Most Likely To Be Eaten By Other Castaways After Hike: Judd.

Therest"And the Rest": Blake, Brandon, Jamie and Jim.  I had thought about including the first three in a "best looking" category, but frankly, none of the castaways really do much for me this year.  Except for ...

Bobbyjon Least Likely To Win: Bobby Jon Drinkard.  The Survivor Palau alum is reportedly coming back again this year, but it isn't clear whether he will actually be competing.  (His picture and that of fellow returnee Stephenie LaGrossa are not included among the 16 castaways on the CBS website.)

If he does compete, you can bet his teammates will decide he has already had his 15 minutes and toss him from the ziggurat, or wherever the torch-snuffings will take place.

However, he will add some welcome eye-candy to a visage-challenged group of castaways.

August 17, 2005

Jungle Fever

Malbug_13

Towleroad has some exclusive photos of the molten-hot Jeff from Survivor Palau.

The guy was pretty damn tasty on a starvation diet, so you can imagine what being back in civilization has done for him!



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