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August 15, 2005



WOW..I have no clue how I would feel if a friend of mine was to go ex-gay! I think that I would have the fear that in the back of my mind, he/she would be judging me silently, and praying for my "sins" at night before they went to bed, and that would make me sick, and thus, making a friendship unbearable! WOW...I think you might want to contact him and find out what the deal is, and if anything, I'm sure the meeting could be a great blog entry....

La Sequencia

On so many levels I'm troubled by your friend's letter. I'm not going to attempt to write about them, but I will say that I came out at a time I was struggling with my own faith (I'm now an Episcopalian and have a very easy time being gay and Christian because my denomination makes it a point to make it easy...but I'm not evangelizing in any way). I have a pretty good understanding of where he's coming from and it hurts. He pretends not to be judgmental, but based on the things he said about his new life in his faith, I see lots of judgement between the lines. His letter makes me very uneasy. I think I feel sad.

I'm enjoying reading your blog. I think I found it by a blog ad on Scott-O-Rama. Cheers!

The Malcontent

Thanks so much, L.S., for the nice words and for your story.

You have a groovy site too. Although I must gently disagree with you on "serial commas." If you have a journalistic (or similar) background like me, forgive what may seem like hubris, but I was always taught -- and happen to agree -- that one rule of commas is that you can easily lose them if their absence would in no way impair comprehension. There is also an implied economy involved in the vast oceans of ink saved on billions of conserved commas. :-)


What kind of person would even write an e-mail like this? It's as though he's inviting dissention and ridicule.

I understand people's need to come out as homosexuals, but what good is there in coming out as a Christian heterosexual?

Can't you just live by example without announcing it, and that way your personal change remains personal, not a public statement.

This just seems like a way to "announce" something dramatic to generate reaction.

La Sequencia

Dear T.M.:

Oh, you had to do it, didn't you? And now all the readers of these comments are going to be subjected to my arguing.

Being of an obsessive/compulsive-ish nature, consistency is key for me, and the comma issue boils down to consistency. Sometimes (less often than most of the time, certainly) it is necessary for a serial comma to avoid ambiguity in the meaning, therefore, I must insist on it ALL THE TIME. Sure, lose the commas after prepositional phrases...lose the commas to offset names like "my brother, john..." I don't give a shit about them. But I love my serial commas! And the Chicago Style Book insists that they are proper. Back in the day when I was pretending to be heterosexual, and found myself engaged to a journalism major female, she tried to persuade me, too. I'm firmly stuck in this ditch that I will probably die it one day. I will leave the saving of billions of commas worth of ink to you and your other journalism types.

I feel a lot better now. Thank you so much!

And now, I'm going to go add your blog to my blogroll. I will be back everyday...to proof your commas and check for your consistency.


The Malcontent

LOL. Well, at the risk of being called on the carpet at a future point, I should remind you of one of my favorite quotes, by R.W. Emerson:

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

I will also concede that my J school profs were not clear on where the line should be drawn -- i.e., whether to use only if the items being set apart were longer than one word each, etc.

La Sequencia

To be completely honest with you, T.M., I've been fighting all my old urges to be a stick in the mud about such things... I think this is one of the last great hold-outs. I can already feel my resolve weakening a little. Who knows. I'll either keep putting my commas in, become less agitated at those who don't put them in or I'll not put them in myself anymore.

See...I did it. Fighting the urge to edit... fighting... fighting..........

The Malcontent

That's quite all right. I already began splitting the occasional infinitive years ago.


A few comments (don't know if anyone will see these as this post is a few days old...)
To one of TM's last comments "For him, it is the path of least resistance." I have to say I strongly doubt that. He is probably in a sea of doubt, confusion, spiritual agony, etc. For a man living any type of out/accepted-to-himself gay lifestyle and then choose that it's all a sin and needs to be changed probably means he is going to have a very hard row to hoe. I cannot comprehend going back in the closet, and I don't know what could make me.
That said, I would suggest that first few commenters above need slightly thicker skins. First: a fear that he was praying for me at night and doesn't agree with me means we can't be friends? Who cares? If the person is sincere in the friendship but chooses a different path with no hate and no discrimination, then that is exactly what we're fighting for--the freedom to choose our path without hate or violence. If we cut people off who disagree with us respectfully, then we are being the intolerant ones. Second, to the person who can "see" all the judgement between the lines of the letter: you'll find it if you are looking for it. And he is "pretending" not to be judgemental? Can you read his mind?
I don't know; I just think that some of the posters above have a bit too much victimization in them: "Oh! You might secretly disapprove of some part of me! I can't handle the unease and fear! I must flee!"

I'm new to the site; just found the link from gaypatriot. Cool site; can't wait to see more.

The Malcontent

Thanks for the comment, Torrent. New comments are linked on the left sidebar, no matter how old the original post.


I love this line:
"As I tolerate your lifestyle I would ask you tolerate mine"

I am still trying to discover what "lifestyle" that is. I live single, don't drink or go to clubs. I have other friends who drink, go to clubs and are in church three times a week. I have other friends who have been in relationships over 25 years. So exactly what "lifestyle" is he required to "tolerate?!?" Perhaps he can tolerate your monogomy if you can tolerate his smugness and condescention. Been there, done that.

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