When a Friend Goes "Ex-Gay"

A friend of mine sent me the following email over the weekend:

Hey, long time no see. I apologize for being out of touch for so long and this being a mass email (bcc'd of course). Some of you were social acquaintances; tricks; one-date wonders; some posing as friends yet enemies; and a select handful were actual friends to me & vice versa.

I made a decision that will test the tolerance between you and me. I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ which means I live my life for Him and by Him. Do I hate you? No. Do I think I'm better than you? No. Is it my goal to change you? No. Plain and simple my life is one of a humble servant of God who sees where he has come from and is not one to throw stones in regards to the eternal life of others. Jesus Christ was not a means to an end, yet the only answer to the situation.

My former life happened to be a homosexual one which is only mentioned twice in the Bible and the word "sinner" is found 46 times. In essence I'm not rampaging against the homosexual community and its causes, but my sin against a holy God. Believe it or not I'm for gay rights as I look at the society, I don't agree with any discrimination of any group that doesn't break man's law, if you ask me about God's law that is a different story.

Here is the cliffhanger of this phase in my life. I still would like to be in contact on the same level we were before or more so at your discretion for I do not want to impose on anyone. Obviously I live by a different standard now, but open to have a drink with you, dinner, or even see a movie, etc. As I tolerate your lifestyle I would ask you tolerate mine and I will not "preach" to you, yet if asked my opinion it would be based on the wisdom of the bible. Feel free to contact me. If you know me you know I wouldn't say that unless I meant it.

Sincerely, [...]

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

What to make of all this?  I generally have thought pretty highly of this person.  He was not one of my closest friends, but we had hung out a lot, although less in the past year since he had supposedly come down with mono (and less still since I moved away).  But it sounds like there might have been a lot more behind why he had dropped out of the social scene.

I have a long-standing opposition to people who use biblical arguments in the public-policy arena.  But people who use those arguments in their own lives?  Hey, it's a free country, I guess.

As I have stated before, I think it is dangerous to believe that "God" is all you need to turn gay people straight, and it makes no more sense than trying to doing the reverse.  (Indeed, too many people turn to religion as a crutch for things they are unable or unwilling to do themselves.)  Our focus instead should be on loving acceptance, and a modern understanding of homosexuality that does not view it as inherently evil.

If "homosexuality" is mentioned only twice in the Bible, as my friend states (I assume he means passages in Corinthians and Leviticus), then it doesn't sound like God has a monomaniacal focus on it like other sins.  After all, it doesn't even make the list of top-ten no-nos.  And Christ sure didn't seem to mind much, because it is nowhere to be found in the New Testament, either.

But I do find it ironic that his email closes with the verse from Ephesians.  Despite my friend's assurances that he won't preach, the context around the verse he selected argues for evangelism with a bellicose zeal.  ("Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.")

Even more perversely, that same biblical chapter advises slaves to basically shut their mouths and be good, little slaves.  Does my friend also believe in that verse?

Look, folks, the Bible was a product of its time.  It was a time of myth and superstition, not of science and enlightenment.  It is almost an embarrassment that people would continue to hew so literally to its words thousands of years later, even when common sense and compassion would dictate otherwise, and even when those words directly contradict each other.

I am certain that my friend means well, and that he has been struggling, and I certainly wish him the best.  But surrendering to the zealots, even on an individual level, has profoundly damaging effects on GLBT people generally.  For him, it is the path of least resistance; for the rest of us, he offers succor to the lunatic fringe at a time when "reparative therapy" is increasingly not supported by evidence.

So to my friend: I will probably see you at the back gay bars again in a few years.  When I do, I will buy you a drink.  And I also promise not to "preach" about just how wrong you were.

Comments

[Roy]

WOW..I have no clue how I would feel if a friend of mine was to go ex-gay! I think that I would have the fear that in the back of my mind, he/she would be judging me silently, and praying for my "sins" at night before they went to bed, and that would make me sick, and thus, making a friendship unbearable! WOW...I think you might want to contact him and find out what the deal is, and if anything, I'm sure the meeting could be a great blog entry....

[La Sequencia]

On so many levels I'm troubled by your friend's letter. I'm not going to attempt to write about them, but I will say that I came out at a time I was struggling with my own faith (I'm now an Episcopalian and have a very easy time being gay and Christian because my denomination makes it a point to make it easy...but I'm not evangelizing in any way). I have a pretty good understanding of where he's coming from and it hurts. He pretends not to be judgmental, but based on the things he said about his new life in his faith, I see lots of judgement between the lines. His letter makes me very uneasy. I think I feel sad.

I'm enjoying reading your blog. I think I found it by a blog ad on Scott-O-Rama. Cheers!

[The Malcontent]

Thanks so much, L.S., for the nice words and for your story.

You have a groovy site too. Although I must gently disagree with you on "serial commas." If you have a journalistic (or similar) background like me, forgive what may seem like hubris, but I was always taught -- and happen to agree -- that one rule of commas is that you can easily lose them if their absence would in no way impair comprehension. There is also an implied economy involved in the vast oceans of ink saved on billions of conserved commas. :-)

[Benj]

What kind of person would even write an e-mail like this? It's as though he's inviting dissention and ridicule.

I understand people's need to come out as homosexuals, but what good is there in coming out as a Christian heterosexual?

Can't you just live by example without announcing it, and that way your personal change remains personal, not a public statement.

This just seems like a way to "announce" something dramatic to generate reaction.

[La Sequencia]

Dear T.M.:

Oh, you had to do it, didn't you? And now all the readers of these comments are going to be subjected to my arguing.

Being of an obsessive/compulsive-ish nature, consistency is key for me, and the comma issue boils down to consistency. Sometimes (less often than most of the time, certainly) it is necessary for a serial comma to avoid ambiguity in the meaning, therefore, I must insist on it ALL THE TIME. Sure, lose the commas after prepositional phrases...lose the commas to offset names like "my brother, john..." I don't give a shit about them. But I love my serial commas! And the Chicago Style Book insists that they are proper. Back in the day when I was pretending to be heterosexual, and found myself engaged to a journalism major female, she tried to persuade me, too. I'm firmly stuck in this ditch that I will probably die it one day. I will leave the saving of billions of commas worth of ink to you and your other journalism types.

I feel a lot better now. Thank you so much!

And now, I'm going to go add your blog to my blogroll. I will be back everyday...to proof your commas and check for your consistency.

Cheers,
Sequencia

[The Malcontent]

LOL. Well, at the risk of being called on the carpet at a future point, I should remind you of one of my favorite quotes, by R.W. Emerson:

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

I will also concede that my J school profs were not clear on where the line should be drawn -- i.e., whether to use only if the items being set apart were longer than one word each, etc.

[La Sequencia]

To be completely honest with you, T.M., I've been fighting all my old urges to be a stick in the mud about such things... I think this is one of the last great hold-outs. I can already feel my resolve weakening a little. Who knows. I'll either keep putting my commas in, become less agitated at those who don't put them in or I'll not put them in myself anymore.

See...I did it. Fighting the urge to edit... fighting... fighting..........

[The Malcontent]

That's quite all right. I already began splitting the occasional infinitive years ago.

[torrentprime]

A few comments (don't know if anyone will see these as this post is a few days old...)
To one of TM's last comments "For him, it is the path of least resistance." I have to say I strongly doubt that. He is probably in a sea of doubt, confusion, spiritual agony, etc. For a man living any type of out/accepted-to-himself gay lifestyle and then choose that it's all a sin and needs to be changed probably means he is going to have a very hard row to hoe. I cannot comprehend going back in the closet, and I don't know what could make me.
That said, I would suggest that first few commenters above need slightly thicker skins. First: a fear that he was praying for me at night and doesn't agree with me means we can't be friends? Who cares? If the person is sincere in the friendship but chooses a different path with no hate and no discrimination, then that is exactly what we're fighting for--the freedom to choose our path without hate or violence. If we cut people off who disagree with us respectfully, then we are being the intolerant ones. Second, to the person who can "see" all the judgement between the lines of the letter: you'll find it if you are looking for it. And he is "pretending" not to be judgemental? Can you read his mind?
I don't know; I just think that some of the posters above have a bit too much victimization in them: "Oh! You might secretly disapprove of some part of me! I can't handle the unease and fear! I must flee!"

I'm new to the site; just found the link from gaypatriot. Cool site; can't wait to see more.

[The Malcontent]

Thanks for the comment, Torrent. New comments are linked on the left sidebar, no matter how old the original post.

[CountryCrock]

I love this line:
"As I tolerate your lifestyle I would ask you tolerate mine"

I am still trying to discover what "lifestyle" that is. I live single, don't drink or go to clubs. I have other friends who drink, go to clubs and are in church three times a week. I have other friends who have been in relationships over 25 years. So exactly what "lifestyle" is he required to "tolerate?!?" Perhaps he can tolerate your monogomy if you can tolerate his smugness and condescention. Been there, done that.