Last night, the 11th season (!) of Survivor came to a close with a whimper rather than a bang - unless you're a Mayan god who is all sorts of unappreciative when others consume your sacred chicken. These are deities who ordered their priests to skip around ziggurats while wearing capes of human skin. You're going to eat their chicken? Not a good move, people.
After an apocalyptic thunderstorm that would have made the producers of the Day After Tomorrow blush with modesty, the audience found its optimism for cosmic justice crushed when the final four emerged relatively unscathed. Afterwards, there was a competition involving a maze, then an endurance challenge and . . . let's be honest, here. If you've seen any episode of Survivor, you know the last two challenges of the game involve a maze and people standing and holding onto things for hours. You don't need survival instincts to win this contest - you need a yoga class.
The only real tension of the episode involved whether or not the skeletal Danni would bring the superfluously gay Rafe or an ever browner Stephanie to the finals. Rafe's insincere magnanimity in absolving Danni of all previous promises worked out about as well as these things generally do - which is to say he was bent over completely.
Then came the jury scenario. In summary:
"You lied to me!"
"I didn't lie!"
"Liar!"
"Do you admit you told lies, you lying liar McLiarson!"
"Are you proud of your lies, you princess of satanic deceit!?"
"Whore!"
Ok, I made that last one up. Barely. They all lie and they all know it. However, as in real life, being just as guilty never gets in the way of a good bit of posturing righteous indignation.
Suffice to say, I called Danni as the winner over a month ago as Queer Conservative can attest. We barely heard from her, never saw her on camera, and completely forgot about her for episodes at a time. Naturally, she won. Zzzz.
During the live reunion, her and Stephanie did purty up like truck stop waitresses, though. So there's that. A beefier, schizophrenic Jaime appeared as lickable as ever. We were reminded of people we forgot about months ago. Blake was hidden during most of the program, so I offer the above picture of him vomiting as a memorial to his ever-lasting hotness.
Overall, it was a fairly uninteresting season, marked by the early exit of the beefcake and lukewarm curiosity about which male contestants do and do not like the cock. If you're feeling nostalgic, we here at Malcontent have our comments on the season archived for your perusal.
Next up for Survivor: Panama. Drug-runners and rusted canal machinery. Hoo boy.
I thought these "reality" programs hit the dust years ago. Worse, you spend inordinate time writing about this nonsense. I don't know what's worse.
Posted by: Stephen | December 12, 2005 at 07:55 PM
Actually, I spent about twenty minutes writing about it. Which, granted, they were twenty minutes I could've spent perusing porn or reading a message board or tinkering with a client portfolio. But hey, I have hours of free time left in the evening. I like to partition most of it frivolously. What can I say, I'm easily preoccupied.
Don't be a cranky git. I'm sure certain hobbies you pursue for entertainment purposes would feel like a scalding poker up the ass to me.
Deep down, what we enjoy is usually a complete waste of time.
But that is the point.
Posted by: Robbie | December 12, 2005 at 08:00 PM
I thought these "reality" programs hit the dust years ago. Worse, you spend inordinate time writing about this nonsense. I don't know what's worse.
Posted by: Stephen | December 12, 2005 at 08:03 PM
I love that this is now the 17,053rd season of Survivor, and people still act distraught when it turns out a fellow tribe member lied to them.
There's no way in hell you could have never seen the show before, and let's face it.... It's not known for rewarding "good samaritanism".
Posted by: Chad | December 13, 2005 at 12:38 AM
There are lessons to be found in these shows, Stephen; one merely needs to know where to look.
Posted by: North Dallas Thirty | December 13, 2005 at 10:53 AM
I still cannot believe they ate the chicken! What would you have done?
Posted by: The Dook | December 13, 2005 at 01:16 PM
You might be cursed badly. Never eat eat.
Posted by: kansas dermatologist | May 12, 2011 at 09:32 AM