Some random observations from the boys' first round on "American Idol," along with the requisite MalcoVision clip of what I felt were the top performances (plus Bobby Bennett, sheerly for trainwreck value):
So what exactly is Paula's drug of choice this year, "Obnoxidil"? Warning: Side effects may include incessant interruption of fellow judges, excessive vulvar moistness when viewing certain male contestants, and overuse of the word "journey."
Elliott ... baby. You got awesome pipes, dawg. But when you sing, I have to close my eyes and think of Ace Young. One word of advice: orthodonture. Look into it. And then be glad the picture I used of you is with your mouth closed.
Speaking of Ace, we'll forgive Paula's moistness when it comes to him. Say it with me: Ace. Oh, Ace. When he sings "Father Figure," who doesn't want him to be their daddy? And that smoldering look he gave into the camera at the end of his performance? Please. It redefines "smolder."
Memo to Taylor Hicks: Michael McDonald called. He wants his look back. Oh, yes, and there's another message for you here someplace. Yeah, here it is: Joe Cocker called. He wants his career back.
I thought Chris and Elliott were head and shoulders above the others, with Ace close behind (and greatly assisted by the aesthetics factor). Enjoy the musicalizing.
[Watch video – 8:17, WMV format, high bandwidth]
[Watch video – 8:17, WMV format, low bandwidth]
(Thanks to Robbie for helping me resurrect Chris's performance, which I managed not to record.)
Ace, oh Ace. Daddy daddy daddy...
Posted by: Queer Conservative | February 23, 2006 at 02:32 PM
Is it just me, or does Ace, in the first picture, look remarkably like Constantine from last season? A little prettier, but still a resemblance.
Posted by: Jamie | February 23, 2006 at 02:58 PM
ace .. ohhhh, ace ! (he does look like a prettier constantine in that pic) ... but take your face out of paula's moistness (yikes)long enough to notice the hole that simon's x-ray vision burns through the poor boy every time ace appears before him. i'm not saying simon shares my dream of being the meat in an ace and chris sandwich, but sum-thin's goin' on there....
Posted by: el polacko | February 23, 2006 at 06:18 PM
Elliott is an extra straight out of Witness. Put him in a little Amish get-up and I swear he coulda' played that kid's stunt double from the movie.
Posted by: Chad | February 23, 2006 at 09:11 PM
Again though... Mal.... Where's Chris??!!?!?
Posted by: Chad | February 23, 2006 at 09:12 PM
I included him in that clip. Didn't I?
Posted by: Malcontent | February 23, 2006 at 10:07 PM
Is Ace the one at the top with the Jaclyn Smith hairdo?
Posted by: Joe.My.God. | February 23, 2006 at 10:32 PM
Mal, I'm a retard. You did.... God I hate being dumb.
Posted by: Chad | February 24, 2006 at 08:57 AM
Personally, I found the Teletubby's rendition of Barry Manilow's Copacabana, to be a special treat.
Posted by: louis | February 24, 2006 at 10:21 AM
Oh god. Copacabana was unwatchable.
Posted by: Toby | February 24, 2006 at 12:52 PM
Yes, but did you get a look at Ace's brother in the audience. Ace is hot, but his bro is a volcano.
Posted by: gene | February 24, 2006 at 06:48 PM
For the record, I really like Taylor. He and Kelly Pickler are two of a kind. Granted, he does remind me of Michael McDonald, the man has a certain flow about him. I'm glad he made it on.
Posted by: Zack in Austin | February 24, 2006 at 08:04 PM
do you have the video of "If I'm not made for you"?
Posted by: Michele | March 08, 2006 at 10:22 AM
Who did that one?
Posted by: Malcontent | March 08, 2006 at 11:18 AM
Someone better put the father figure video on this website ASAP!PLEASE!
Posted by: Han | April 09, 2006 at 12:01 AM
Someone better put the father figure video on this website ASAP!PLEASE!
Posted by: Han | April 09, 2006 at 12:01 AM