Malconsumer Reports: "Boy Butter"

The field of personal lubricant products these days seems more crowded than ever.  New entrepreneurs are constantly springing up like kudzu to claim their piece of a lube pie worth more than $6.8 quadrillion in sales in the United States alone.  Every month.  And that's just for my house.  (Ba-DUM-bum!)

But seriously, today's savvy lube purveyor is looking for a combination of marketability and quality to help him stand out from the crowd, resulting in a host of product names that are double entendres.  Hell, most of them are so blatant, they're single entendres.

One man who thinks his cream will rise to the top is the hunky Eyal Feldman, founder of and spokesmodel for "Boy Butter."  (By the way, anything you buy at CheapLubes.com, my retailer of choice, is 10 percent off until April 6, if you use the discount code Bunny10.)

Recently, Eyal sent me a sample of his product to give it a test drive, claiming that it would be "life-changing."  (I know, few of you probably want to think of The Malcontent as a sexual creature, but a guy has needs!)

So can Boy Butter make me part with my beloved Pjur Eros?  Find out after the jump.

Boy Butter comes in 4-, 8-, and 16-ounce tubs.  There is also a 5-milliliter tube that's good for, um, "impromptu" purposes.

It's no accident that the logo looks like a fusion of Shedd's Spread Country Crock and Arm & Hammer baking soda, merging two homoerotic images – bulging biceps and a churn handle – into one.  But Eyal assures us that the trademark attorneys have given him the thumbs-up.

When you pop the lid, you're greeted by a creamy, white paste that indeed has a consistency similar to soft margarine.  (No, when it greets you, it doesn't say, "Parkay!")  Allow Boy Butter's website to explain:

Boy Butter is a combination of Coconut Oils mostly used for massage oil and an Organic Silicone commonly used in Hair Products. The formula then undergoes a process of Homogenization like many dairy products which gives Boy Butter it's unique whipped, silky creamy feel and promises to be totally water soluble.

Don't mistake Boy Butter for being "water-based," however.  Eyal says he is working on the "perfect" water-based lube, to be called – wait for it – "You Won't Believe it's Not Boy Butter."

The oils in the product render it unsafe for use with latex condoms.  But good boys always bag it, so polyurethane condoms are instead recommended.

Boy Butter goes on somewhat thick and opaque, not unlike your mother's Jergens that you used to spank it with.  But a little friction breaks down the tiny air bubbles that are whipped into the product through the homogenization process, and it soon has a clear, slightly oily consistency.  There is only a light scent.

Boy Butter has better staying power than any water-based lube I've used, due in part to the inclusion of silicone, which is a much more durable and long-lasting substance.  An average level of activity might require an additional application, but you won't be slathering it on every 3 minutes like a typical water-based gel.

In terms of friction, Boy Butter can be thought of as the "Baby Bear" of lubes: not too much, not too little, but juuust right.  While Eros has remarkable viscosity, the slick it leaves in the shower afterward has me living in constant fear of breaking my skull open.  It takes a lot of scrubbing with soap before you're confident you won't slip out of the tub, down the stairs and into traffic.

No such worries with Boy Butter.  It cleans up easily, and it smacks Eros' ass in terms of going easier on your sheets.  (As Eyal says, no "shame stains.")

That's not to say that I'll be turning my back on my old standby.  Both are great products for what they offer.  Boy Butter gains points for aesthetics, texture, and clean-up.  It gets slight demerits for endurance.  Overall, I give it four oilcans out of five.

Comments

[Robbie]

After fifteen minutes, I've decided I really can't think of a response to this =)

[Marilyn]

This subject completely grossed me out. Sorry.

Shame stains? Yuck.

[Aatom]

what, no Malco-Vision for this one?

[Queer Conservative]

MalcoVision!

MalcoVision!

MalcoVision!

[Rob Byrnes]

Gotta join the MalcoVision chorus here.

[Aatom]

and, to be fair, we'll need a submission from robbie as well, I'm afraid.

[Malcontent]

Well, there will of course be no Malcovision here, but it does remind me of the time my ex and I were going to show some friends a videotape that we had shot of his birthday party, on which people were dancing and being drunk and telling him their birthday wishes.

So naturally, when I hit play, up on the screen came our home-made porno tape instead. I think I leapt across the room and hit "stop" in about 3 milliseconds.

Marilyn: Humblest apologies, but my readership is about 90 percent gay men.

[Toby]

Um, ew.

[Chad]

Mal, I can safely say that I will never again look at you (and/or the hubby) in the same light again. :)

Congrats on what will most likely remain THE most random Malcontent post for years to come.

[Robbie]

Nah, I turned down the free trial. I'm too fond of toast to discount the possibility of a terrifying accident.

[paul]

I'm still a fan of "Stroke29".

[Addison]

Actually, my partner and I have been using Boy Butter for about a year now. Natural stuff, no nasty ingredients in it. Gotta say we love it. Easy clean up and so slick, I could slide sandpaper across a duck's ass with it.

Addison
www.gayredneckouterwear.com

[Jack]

So what's the best lube in the market? I've been using WET and it's fine. Anything better?

[Kevin]

I'm remembering the Isa-cock Shock and relieved there is no Malco-vision for this one ;-)

And Toby - oh dont be such a princess, didnt u mount a huge dildo and write a review for some porn site? 'tut tut tut...very tutty today sweetie...' hehe

[LikeOMGFab]

I'm going to have to join the chorus of Malcovision as well.

[owlish]

It's not Malcovision, but it may be the next best thing. The Great Cock Hunt happened to have a post involving the use of Boy butter; he seemed to like it. Not even remotely safe for work, by the way:

http://boyblogspot.blogspot.com/2006/03/tied-up-owned.html

[mallee]

Had a tub of that once. It was OK for spanking with but there was a warning label - not suitable for use with condoms. Preferring not to live with a life sentence of dealing with the side-effects of toxic chemical drug cocktails I tossed it out. Does a tub still carry that warning?

[Kenneth]

Not safe with latex condoms and he's marketing this to the GAY community? Don't we have enough problems without this joker?

Or is this tina lube?

[Jay Read]

Have you tested JackOff Butter? I like it even better.
You can get it at cheaplubes or
www.jackoffbutter.com

John

[viagra online]

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[Jordans Sneakers]

Art originates from life, but higher than life!

[Michael]

keep posting like this it’s really very good idea, you are awesome!

[Winstrol]

It's natural because there is a huge demand for lubricants nowadays

[Discounted MBT Shoes]

Dear God, it was painful listening to that song. RW is so fucking overated. 3 notes and a whiny voice do not make a genius.

[Discount Cigarettes]

where are my comments? i can't find them