A Taylor Made Freak Show

I don't want to talk about it. When the fire came cascading down and Great White's manager was nowhere in sight, I knew it was all over.

David Hasslehoff was crying. Crying. In German, no less. It sounds a lot like shizer dialogue to hear it. Which is to say nothing of the fisting America received when that . . . that . . . thing took home the trophy.

Still, let's lump this up in halves. How to fill a two hour show dependent on a five second announcement? Plenty of performances, but also plenty of painful, cringe-inducing bits like extended dining lessons between Kellie Pickler and Wolfgang Puck that left us praying for a future mobile home accident on a treacherous mountain road. "Caleeemaaareeee?!" Die.

I've sorted through the fluff for my favorite moments, including the "surprise" appearance by the Gayken. His jittery, squealing, orgasming look-alike made the entire bit. I'd like to take this opportunity to chastise our readers as well. How is it that there was footage of Ace Young and Chris Daughtry in a crushing, grappling man-hug, and no one alerted us?! For shame. That is hours of fantasy we'll never get back. Also included in this clip is the winner's announcement. It was the fluffiest thing of all.

[Watch video – 9:50, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:50, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Before I get to the performances, let me just say this - If Katharine had sang half as well during the competition as she did in last night's finale show, she would have won hands down. Now more than ever, I'm convinced song choice was her ultimate undoing. Not that I'm excruciatingly bitter or anything. Not at all. Moving swiftly on.

There were far too many performances to capture, so these highlights are by no means comprehensive. Chris Daughtry appeared with the band Live. Their album, Throwing Copper, came out back in the 19th century when I earned my driver's license, so I'm partial to them. Does Meatloaf have Parkinson's? The man schooled Hicks in the trembling performance department. Still, Kat shined and decided to, you know, emote. Now that it doesn't mean anything. (ed. Robbie, you're bitter!) I'm not.

I'm not ready to see Taylor Hicks freak dancing with Toni Braxton. I don't think anyone is.

One last parting shot of the Manateesa (hate!). Kevin Covais singing What's New Pussycat is the stuff of recurring nightmares. Dionne Warwick showcases what happens when you smoke five packs of ultra strength Marlboros a day for fifty years. Then again, she knew who the winner was all along, right? The blood-drinking seems to have paid off for Prince. I'm sorry, whenever I hear his music I think of the Joker mucking up an art museum. The purple doesn't help. And finally, Kat does a little stand-in-place jog-dancing/dress-foofing a la Jennifer Grey at the end of Dirty Dancing.

[Watch video – 15:37, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 15:37, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Comments

[Tom]

I liked the slo-mo, crushing, man-hug.

[Craig Ranapia]

Did Taylor Hicks ever have a neck? - the poor bastard.

And while we're talking about Prince - well, I saw one of the dates on the Sign O' The Times tour back when dinosaurs ruled the earth. That was a pyrotechnic display of showmanship and musicality. This was as painful as a battery acid colonic.

[el polacko]

some of the duets were entertaining.. until it dawned on me that 'duets' is simon's new series so this was just an extended promo. how "funny" though that the worst duet was taylor and toni braxton ?! they actually managed to find someone worse than he is to sing with him.
...oh, and i want that chris and ace man-hug on a continuous loop.

[bryan pippin]

Prince is either a vampire or has been sleeping in one of those chambers for years i swear he looks like he's in his late twenty's and moves like he's eighteen only james brown in his youth could top that and prince has somehow manage to keep it oh yeah and i love how calm and cool kat was while meatloaf was totally doing it broadway style just belting it out with everything the old man has and then there her slowing moving away with a look in her eyes saying who didn't give grandpa his drugs oh and i could barely hear toni must have been to busy wondering were her career went to sing

[Aatom]

take a breath, bryan. and put down the pipe.

[Jake]

For his next birthday, I'm buying Bryan Pippin some punctuation marks. Maybe some nice Tiffany commas.

[james]

you ever watch 'showtime at the apollo'? there's a woman who is always in the front row and when she likes a singer she stands up and dances like some nutty old lady and when the camera moves back, you see who's on stage, and of course the nutty old lady dancing in her seat. that who paula reminds me of.

[PatrickP]

RE: Prince seeming to stay youthful looking.

Black don't crack.

[John in IL]

RE: Prince seeming to stay youthful looking.

Black don't crack.

No, it's called wealth (and makeup). Money buys a strange sort of fake youth. Just ask Cher and Madonna.

[Scott]

...don't forget the Botox and some of America's finest plastic surgeons on retainer.

[Scott]

I only saw the clips on Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (which Malcovision should put up--the monologue items were a riot), and now here, but I must say I particularly liked the duet with the k.d. lang impersonator…

(Rumored to be a previous season finalist.)

[Jamie]

Lay off the Purple One, bitches.

[LikeOMGFab]

Prince was good... back when the mastadons didn't live in the LeBrea Tar Pits. Oy. All of these were painful to watch...

except Chris. I love me some Chris. I'd love him naked, oiled and brought to my tent too, but that children, is for another time.

And Kat KNEW she wasn't going to win. You could read it all over that girl's beautiful visage... She was all grace and poise. She's still my favorite... well, her and Chris.

Oh, and if you're reading this Chris... Call me... please.

[el polacko]

nobody mentioned mary j doing her patented off-key SCREAMING.. poor elliott could barely make himself heard over her shrieks.. painful.
.. and i thought prince, like madonna, seems to be in good shape,but they both have that hardened, older look in the face.
his songs were good except that they sounded exactly like his songs from 20 years ago. he does have a talent for finding hot back-up singers though... but what happened to that stuff about how he hates the show and it was beneath him ? not that the show isn't beneath just about anybody ..haha