It's The Circle of Awful, Simba

After 43 posts consisting of 61 video files that account for a whopping 731.65 MB of our server space, we've come a long way from the January 17th premiere of American Idol. A water cooler show that began with a focus on some of the most horrifying "entertainers" this great nation of ours had to offer, it has been a long, spiritual, nuanced journey to May where we're about to crown . . . one of the most horrifying "entertainers" America has to offer.

So, well done there.

What is there to say? Poor Katharine McPhee suffered an ambushing of the highest order with a tripey, overwrought ballad called "My Destiny" when a more accurate title might have been, "Kat Really Wishes She Had Testicles Right About Now." Way to set the key in the Marianas Trench! Not even a still-touching rendition of "Over the Rainbow" could save her against the most treacly, masturbatory excesses of producers and a music industry hell bent on selling their audience aural sominex.

Taylor Hicks. *sighs* What more can be said for this seizing ball of shimmering purple velvet? For the first time in Idol history, the gay male vote will not prevail against this touring Vegas lounge act. Tom Jones is spinning in his grave. Or women's underwear. Spot the difference, eh? Personally, I blame pre-teen girls for this atrocity. Lazy, good for nothing kids today. Can't even be assed to vote en masse. Bring back corporal punishment!

Here are the six performances from last night's finale. Observe that jacket and weep. America picked that jacket. America likes that jacket. America will buy tickets to see that jacket. America is dead to me.

[Watch video – 14:48, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 14:48, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Our Malcovision American Idol Finale Extravaganza continues with these clips from this weekend's Saturday Night Live. Kevin Spacey knows all the right moves to win the hearts of Americans and wandering strangers in parks at 3 AM. Not to be outdone, "Taylor Hicks" appears on Weekend Update, if only to prove the man is beyond parody.

[Watch video – 6:54, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 6:54, WMV format, low bandwidth]

And finally. We laughed with her, cried with her, attempted to match her shot for shot during every show. Paula Abdul stumbled onto the set of Larry King Live after over-hearing rumors the man will marry anything. She discusses her fellow judges and addresses all those rumors about dominant bitch-top, the Gayken. Could it be we are mere hours away from a world without this simpering psychiatric patient?

As they announce the winner tonight, I will sprinkle a martini laced with vicodin onto a curb in her honor.

[Watch video – 5:44, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 5:44, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Comments

[Aatom]

seems like a waste of a great cocktail to me.

Paula is obviously the real story this season, and I honestly wouldn't be surprised to see her in rehab soon. she could use a little relaxation to recover from her 'exhaustion'. that's the euphemism for "addicted to painkillers", right?

[toby]

I'm sorry, but you know what? America gets the Idol it deserves!

[Patrick]

I'm sorry, but you know what? America gets the Idol it deserves!

LOL! As if those who vote on "American Idol" are the voice of America... NOT!!! The reality is, the show works regardless of the talent they scrape up and regardless of the winner and the winner's success or failure in the music business. As the seasons go on it's more about the show itself than the contestants, and I think that's how it should be. I wish some people wouldn't take the show so seriously.

[hello]

I'm sorry, but when did Tom Jones die?

[looky]

kathrine is hot and all but she shouldnt win american idol....she wont win!

and besides too many girls have won american idol already..

we need a man to win. i want taylor hicks in my bed.

[jo]

the amount of calls does not equate the number of callers. Each of these crazy callers call like 10 times.

I doubt any really calls in....its only the contestants' family and friends who really calls.

[I think]

Taylor deserves to win, but I really believe his record sales would stunk. He will be the next Ruben Studard.

[Scott]

I'm sorry, but when did Tom Jones die?

Yeah, who put Tom Jones in a grave and why is he there?
Too many deals with The Mob, perhaps...?

[Gus]

God Mal, who gives a shit about American Idol? Don't get so wrapped up in this. Admittedly, the two finalists do seem remarkably lame, but read a book, take a walk, get drunk, do anything but watch this tripe.

[hallelujah]

God Mal, who gives a shit about American Idol? Don't get so wrapped up in this. Admittedly, the two finalists do seem remarkably lame, but read a book, take a walk, get drunk, do anything but watch this tripe.

or have some good o' drunken gay sex.

[munchees]

Hey Gus, if you dont like american idol, get your own blog to write about more important things (like how Mary Cheny looks like a cow) and stop commenting on american idol posts. :)

[lucky]

i dont think Taylor ( soul/pop/ with a bit of the retro feel) would be another Rubben Studard ( R&B)

[el polacko]

all i could think of last night was "how lame" .. have we really sunk this low ? apparently so.

[me]

TAYOR WON!!! I JUST WATCHED IT!!!! FINISHED...

YAY!!!!

ryan and other news reporters keep reminding us that there was X-number mllions of billiions of votes, more than any president election.

but hello, did they forget that, in american idol each person can vote many times while in presidential elections, only one vote is allowed for each person.

The number of votes doestn acutally represent how many people actually cared to vote for america.

[james]

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Dopes! What utter dopes are those who've voted for the Hick. I mean, elliott had more charm than taylor hicks. oh, but what do i know, i have a soft spot for the geeky crooners that never make it past week four...

[Erwin Gonzalez]

You are hysterical! Will you be leading the Taylor Hcks CD boycott?

[Tommy]

Oh, as Robbie well knows, even dead people vote in Presidential elections.

[John in IL]

Admittedly, the two finalists do seem remarkably lame, but read a book, take a walk, get drunk, do anything but watch this tripe

Well, I did read a book, took (my dog for) a walk, got drunk and I was still able to find time to watch the show. It was a great show, no matter who the winner is. Any show with both Prince and Dionne Warwick will get my vote.

[I Think]

Hi Lucky, I mean Taylor will be like Rubben, gone to obscurity and just performing in trade shows after the first record release, let's hope Taylor will sell more albums than Fantasia or Rubben and not be like Justin who sold less than 200K or worse like Fantasia's runnerup, what's her name? who sold only a little over 30K.

[John in IL]

I need a good rubben. My back is killing me.

[Jamie]

LOL John.

Aside, I have to say that it was a great show whether it was Idol or not. (Meatloaf sucked, but then, when hasn't he?) And Prince was just the icing on the cake, baby. I work with people of all ages, and everyone thought he rocked!

[Electronic Cigarettes]

Thanks for the article!

[E Cig]

Wow, I can only imagine.

Your girl Mary :)

[Rob Aker]

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