The Malcontent

A Taylor Made Freak Show

I don't want to talk about it. When the fire came cascading down and Great White's manager was nowhere in sight, I knew it was all over.

David Hasslehoff was crying. Crying. In German, no less. It sounds a lot like shizer dialogue to hear it. Which is to say nothing of the fisting America received when that . . . that . . . thing took home the trophy.

Still, let's lump this up in halves. How to fill a two hour show dependent on a five second announcement? Plenty of performances, but also plenty of painful, cringe-inducing bits like extended dining lessons between Kellie Pickler and Wolfgang Puck that left us praying for a future mobile home accident on a treacherous mountain road. "Caleeemaaareeee?!" Die.

I've sorted through the fluff for my favorite moments, including the "surprise" appearance by the Gayken. His jittery, squealing, orgasming look-alike made the entire bit. I'd like to take this opportunity to chastise our readers as well. How is it that there was footage of Ace Young and Chris Daughtry in a crushing, grappling man-hug, and no one alerted us?! For shame. That is hours of fantasy we'll never get back. Also included in this clip is the winner's announcement. It was the fluffiest thing of all.

[Watch video – 9:50, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:50, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Before I get to the performances, let me just say this - If Katharine had sang half as well during the competition as she did in last night's finale show, she would have won hands down. Now more than ever, I'm convinced song choice was her ultimate undoing. Not that I'm excruciatingly bitter or anything. Not at all. Moving swiftly on.

There were far too many performances to capture, so these highlights are by no means comprehensive. Chris Daughtry appeared with the band Live. Their album, Throwing Copper, came out back in the 19th century when I earned my driver's license, so I'm partial to them. Does Meatloaf have Parkinson's? The man schooled Hicks in the trembling performance department. Still, Kat shined and decided to, you know, emote. Now that it doesn't mean anything. (ed. Robbie, you're bitter!) I'm not.

I'm not ready to see Taylor Hicks freak dancing with Toni Braxton. I don't think anyone is.

One last parting shot of the Manateesa (hate!). Kevin Covais singing What's New Pussycat is the stuff of recurring nightmares. Dionne Warwick showcases what happens when you smoke five packs of ultra strength Marlboros a day for fifty years. Then again, she knew who the winner was all along, right? The blood-drinking seems to have paid off for Prince. I'm sorry, whenever I hear his music I think of the Joker mucking up an art museum. The purple doesn't help. And finally, Kat does a little stand-in-place jog-dancing/dress-foofing a la Jennifer Grey at the end of Dirty Dancing.

[Watch video – 15:37, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 15:37, WMV format, low bandwidth]

It's The Circle of Awful, Simba

After 43 posts consisting of 61 video files that account for a whopping 731.65 MB of our server space, we've come a long way from the January 17th premiere of American Idol. A water cooler show that began with a focus on some of the most horrifying "entertainers" this great nation of ours had to offer, it has been a long, spiritual, nuanced journey to May where we're about to crown . . . one of the most horrifying "entertainers" America has to offer.

So, well done there.

What is there to say? Poor Katharine McPhee suffered an ambushing of the highest order with a tripey, overwrought ballad called "My Destiny" when a more accurate title might have been, "Kat Really Wishes She Had Testicles Right About Now." Way to set the key in the Marianas Trench! Not even a still-touching rendition of "Over the Rainbow" could save her against the most treacly, masturbatory excesses of producers and a music industry hell bent on selling their audience aural sominex.

Taylor Hicks. *sighs* What more can be said for this seizing ball of shimmering purple velvet? For the first time in Idol history, the gay male vote will not prevail against this touring Vegas lounge act. Tom Jones is spinning in his grave. Or women's underwear. Spot the difference, eh? Personally, I blame pre-teen girls for this atrocity. Lazy, good for nothing kids today. Can't even be assed to vote en masse. Bring back corporal punishment!

Here are the six performances from last night's finale. Observe that jacket and weep. America picked that jacket. America likes that jacket. America will buy tickets to see that jacket. America is dead to me.

[Watch video – 14:48, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 14:48, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Our Malcovision American Idol Finale Extravaganza continues with these clips from this weekend's Saturday Night Live. Kevin Spacey knows all the right moves to win the hearts of Americans and wandering strangers in parks at 3 AM. Not to be outdone, "Taylor Hicks" appears on Weekend Update, if only to prove the man is beyond parody.

[Watch video – 6:54, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 6:54, WMV format, low bandwidth]

And finally. We laughed with her, cried with her, attempted to match her shot for shot during every show. Paula Abdul stumbled onto the set of Larry King Live after over-hearing rumors the man will marry anything. She discusses her fellow judges and addresses all those rumors about dominant bitch-top, the Gayken. Could it be we are mere hours away from a world without this simpering psychiatric patient?

As they announce the winner tonight, I will sprinkle a martini laced with vicodin onto a curb in her honor.

[Watch video – 5:44, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 5:44, WMV format, low bandwidth]

I'm Moving to Canada

Taylor is going to fucking win.  In a walk.

America, I weep for you.

And Then There Were Two

Buh-bye, Elliott.  Tough call, but there are clearly a lot of palsy fans in the nation.

So who will win?  Who should win?  Take our two-question poll.

Or just view the results.

Judy and Eva Conquer All

I am ever so barely resisting the impulse to gush for paragraphs on end about the transcendent Kat moment on last night's American Idol. Slaves that we are to shrine building when a Judy song - and that Judy song in particular - is done so exquisitely, we'll wait for the proper time and place. It will be difficult.

Elliott, poor Elliott. Rather bland renditions of perfectly neutral songs. The selection may have sunk him. While a Yamin/Hicks finale seemed destined, he faded to an elevator top 40 in the face of his competition. With a vibrato to make steel girders tremble ominously, I look forward to spending hours in the produce section of the local grocery while being serenaded by his inevitable album.

Taylor Hicks was forced to stand there and sing . . . and failed utterly. Despite the drug-addled praise of judges, our resident marionette on acid warbled off-key through "You Are So Beautiful." Sensing danger as an army of housewives came to the slow realization that albums don't come with the freak dancing, Taylor quickly set to work to work repairing the damage via over-laden hypnotic limb jerking.

Katharine. My Katharine. My acapella, Eva Cassidy channeling Katharine. More than politics, more than marriage, more than partisanship. If the gay masses do not lift Katharine McPhee on a golden divan and carry her through the streets to victory, I will hunt you all down with an efficiency to make Fred Phelps blush. Yes, the execrable Clive Davis made her shriek her way through that wretched R. Kelly song. It wasn't her fault. It was sabotage! Come now, my pink hordes. Unleash your powers of fabulousness and bring down the Hicks abomination. He's who straight people want to win. We'll not stand for that sort of thing as a people, will we?

[Watch video – 10:50, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 10:50, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Speaking of the strange and bizarre, the judges were once again tonsil deep in the Jesus juice. We've seen 28 Days Later. We know where Paula's behavior leads. By season's end, Simon will be discussing each contestant's personal journal and how shimmery-shiny their natural selves are. He will generously pepper sentences with "amazing" and "adore" and idly flip through a portfolio from Ace Young's recent photo shoot.

Mal has put together all the weirdest moments, including yet another reason to burn Taylor Hicks in effigy.

[Watch video – 2:02, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 2:02, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Some Readers Frighten Us

Stop that. Stop that right now.

That there is a similar search for Kevin Covais is demoralizing.

Daytime Sight-Seeing

Admittedly, I'm feeling a little skint in the blogging area of late. This week I've learned that there seems to be some sort of national tiff developing over immigration, and gay activists really, really hate Mary Cheney. Check out these reviews. So, we gay folk are basically a writhing horde of petulant eight grade girls. Excellent. That being what it is, I've decided my only coherent contribution is to shamelessly ogle cute male celebrities. In that spirit . . .

Justin Chambers, the aforementioned Grey's Anatomy hottie, sat down with the harpies of the View this morning. While the character he plays, Alex, is a self-absorbed hard-ass, Justin seems quiet, unassuming, even shy. Then again, who wouldn't shrink in terror when faced with the withered plastic visage of Starr Jones Reynolds? I could quibble with the goatee and why on earth his hair is parted that way, but he still fills out a pair of jeans quite nicely.

[Watch video – 6:06, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 6:06, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Nick Lachey visited everyone's favorite lesbian this afternoon for some mama bear treatment and to perform a badly off-key song, much to a backstage Chris Daughtry's eternal amusement. Chris, however, has no reason to snicker. He somehow came to the conclusion that singing that Bon Jovi song for the billionth time on his thousandth talk show appearance was a terrific way to not-at-all get us over him. I've spared the musical repeat from the clip.

[Watch video – 10:50, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 10:50, WMV format, low bandwidth]

I'll Never Let Go, Jack Chris

Come tomorrow night, we'll be marinating in alcohol as we attempt to suffer through the tepid trio that yet twitches before us. For now, one last highlight as our week of mourning over the premature axing of Chris Daughtry from American Idol comes to a close.

Chris, making guest host Jeff Probst look positively scrawny, stopped by Regis and Kelly this morning to perform Bon Jovi's "Wanted." In a post-performance interview, he addresses fans, rumors, and what lay ahead with his after Idol career. He also invites those who love him to feel him up, if not outright hump him, should they spot him on the street.

Ok, that may not be precisely what he said, but it's what I heard, our lawyers be damned.

[Watch video – 5:18, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 5:18, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Why Elliot Will Win

Columnist John Podhoretz applies a political model to "American Idol" voting and predicts a winner.  He could be onto something.

Of the three remaining contestants, I think Katharine would make the best Idol (my criteria being someone who can sell records and sell out venues), probably followed by Elliot.  I just don't see how Taylor is as sellable as the others.

[Thanks, Alan!]

Shock, n. See: "Daughtry, Chris"

SPECIAL NOTE to "Access Atlanta/AJC.com" readers: Thank you for visiting this site.  A little controvery erupted among some of the readers of the site that brought you here about this being a "gay" blog, so I applaud you for choosing quality video over homophobia.

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Chris Daughtry and others on "American Idol" seemed genuinely shocked by the rocker's early ejection from the competition.

Umm, ever heard of the Internet, Chris?

His reaction was a multi-tiered masterpiece, evincing his barely concealed disgust at the unparalleled boobery of the Idol-watching public.

Paula was disconsolate, while Simon watched dollar signs fly right out of the Kodak Theater.

The stills below capture the range of emotion, but what was most priceless was watching Daughtry's face dissolve in a nanosecond from frivolity and smugness to naked rage.

[Watch video – 3:58, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 3:58, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Idol Results Show Warm-Up

Worth Repeating has, as usual, the three gayest moments from last night's "American Idol."  Predictably, they all involve Chris Daughtry.

Meanwhile, Dialidol still has Katharine and Chris duking it out for last place, with the latter slightly more likely to be sent packing tonight.  Sir Tics-a-Lot continues to lead the pack.

America, suck my balls.

Seacrest Wishes It Were A Thong

A pissy, prissy Ryan last night. Not only did he basically call Paula Abdul a gigantic whore on national television (oh yes, he did), he severely overcompensated when Chris Daughtry finally told the world his pants dampening underwear secret (oh yes, he did). That white button down is the closest we've come yet to a shirtless Chris. Coupled with the boxer briefs revelation, yes please.

Singing. Right. I'd nearly forgotten - you really can almost see everything under that shirt, can't you?

Well, this looks to be the bow-out performance for poor Katharine McPhee. The best female vocalist in the competition, I hearted her when she first sang "Since I Fell For You" in the final twenty-four premiere. Despite breakout renditions like "Someone To Watch Over Me," she has struggled in a season over-laden with musical catalogues geared towards male performers. When the songs are in the wrong key, she leaps into the wrong pitch. This week's Elvis selections (Priscilla's looking postively clownish, isn't she?) may have been Katharine's undoing.

Elliott has surged forward in these final weeks, doing some of his best work to date. Unfortunately, his teeth seem to have made a big comeback as well.

I don't care about the Elton John sunglasses. I'd still call Chris daddy.

Taylor (argh!) Hicks managed to tone down the being-brutally-assaulted-by-jellyfish choreography for his second song. He's going to win, isn't he? A legion of middle-aged women have totally voted for this man, haven't they? Why has America forsaken us? After a moderately enjoyable season, this jerking epileptic abortion is going to be the big pay-off? There is no God, no justice, and no salvation. We truly are doomed as a culture and a nation.

[Watch video – 8:32, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 8:32, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Sense of Impending Doom

Play That Funky Music, Spastic

If Taylor Hicks was charged with crimes against humanity and the police broke down the theater doors to taser him to death, would we really be able to tell the difference? I don't think so either.

They're getting worse, people. Even the humpalicious Chris Daughtry has resorted to screaming and screaming and screaming. Poor Katharine is reduced to showing Taylor how to properly writhe across the floor. Whereas Taylor always appears to be in mid-seizure, McPhee has thrown caution to the winds and seems to be engaging in a direct "Will Fuck For Votes" campaign.

Elliott and Paris . . . eh, one of them had pink heels. It could be either of them. I've stopped paying attention at this point. Mal has his own nightmares regarding Taylor Hicks as depicted on the right. Agreed. We need union grips dropping three hundred pound lights and things before this season goes horribly, horribly wrong and our twitchy little spastic takes home the crown. We pray Dial Idol is severely mistaken.

[Watch video – 7:40, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 7:40, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Yamin?! Yeah, Man

"American Idol" viewers have finally confounded the heretofore peerless dialidol.com, giving Kellie "I'm a mink!" Pickler the heave-ho, rather than Paris Bennett.  (There is a God!)

Katharine McPhee joined Chris Daughtry as one of the top-two vote-getters, despite dialidol.com's prediction that she would end up in no better than third place.

Meanwhile, bloggist Kenneth Hill goes out on a limb, predicting an upset victory by the sheep-vibratoed Elliott Yamin.

Turns out, the limb he's on belongs to the ugly tree, and Elliott hit every branch on the way down.  I don't think Elliott has quite made the physical transformation that Kenneth sees (his "cute factor"?), although there have been improvements, especially dentally.  But I don't know how you fix the way Elliott goes cock-eyed every time he grins.

Money quote from Kenneth on Paula's bizarre crying jag after Elliott sang on Tuesday:

She's so sensitive at the moment, I think she must feel air molecules colliding with her skin.

Has there ever been a potential "Idol" outcome so up in the air with five contestants left?  Has it ever been so possible to care less?

By the way, did y'all catch the sadder acoustic version of Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" during Kellie's highlights montage video?  Does that mean Chris will get a death-metal version when he gets voted off?

Weepin' Wilbur

Imagine a locomotive a mere mile from the station, just ready to pull in at the close of a long journey. Now imagine that locomotive plowing into three dozen cars at the final crossing with flaming human wreckage everywhere. This is how we know we're watching the late stages of American Idol.

St. Katharine of the Mammary proves some Whitney songs need more intravenous crack than others. Smurf-hobbit hybrid, Elliot Yamin, sings with enough vibrato to imperil the Brooklyn Bridge. Kellie Pickler threatens a broken high-note that, if rendered in a barn, would have the pickled trailer whore vanishing in the resulting stampede. Chris sings a song that reminded us of that wretched film where a ten ton Marlon Brando rolled around in bed with Faye Dunaway. No. Never. Some memories need never be dredged.

None of this stopped a moist, stomping Paula from whinnying for more and breaking down under the onslaught. She claps, she sobs, she looks for the oat bucket. It's always the god awful shows we savor most.

[Watch video – 9:51, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:51, WMV format, low bandwidth]

A Taylor-Made Idol?

I think Robbie might bring some "American Idol" highlights today – including a Paula montage that will showcase her mysterious blubbering after Elliott's performance, and stomping her feet after Chris sang like a horse that knows how to do math.

But I wanted to provide the latest dialidol.com update:  It shows Kellie and Paris battling it out for the bottom spot, with Paris the one who will be going home.  It continues to baffle me how Americans are so mesmerized by the ditzy, daffy blonde that they simply can't hear her terrible singing.  I've heard racist jokes that were less off-key than she was the past two weeks.

Meanwhile, Taylor continues to have a very slight edge on Chris for first place, with Elliott not far behind.

If that spastic freak wins, I think I will finally be cured of my "Idol" addiction.

Note to Self

Stop making predictions.  Start relying on dialidol.com.

They nailed the bottom three, as well as the most recent castaways, including Ace.  Buh-bye, pretty boy.

But Chris in the bottom three?!  Where's my vodka again?

Idol: The Final Three Become Clear - UPDATE

I was unable to complete my video capture of last night's "American Idol," owing to technical and time constraints.  Unless faithful Robbie pulls my bacon out of the fire today, I might give it another go this evening.

But for now, I do have this:

It says so much.

I mean, really, now.  Just when I think Ace Young has reached a cheesy new nadir, he somehow manages to plumb heretofore uncharted, cheddary depths.  He chose "standards" night to come out looking like Gordon Gecko, a strangely macho choice when contrasted with his puny falsetto.  Sorry, Randy, it might be Ace's bread and butter, but that's only because he can't sing in a normal register.  He should be gone tonight, but won't be, for at least two reasons.

The first is Kellie Pickler.  Wooo-WEE, did she stink up the joint last night!  She could have had another hour looking around the studio, and she still wouldn't have found the pitch.  But maybe that's because she was too busy searching for the accompaniment, which she was about two beats ahead of near the end of her song.  I'm trying to remember the last time a finalist blew a performance so badly this late in the game.  For this back-stretch swoon alone, she should be sent walking.  But I doubt she will be.

That's all because of Elliott Yamin.  Poor Elliott.  Poor, powerful-voiced yet tragically vanilla Elliott.  His performance was better than most (i.e., Kellie, Ace, Paris, and possibly Taylor), but it was subpar for him.  With that mug and his charisma deficit, he will probably get the boot tonight.  It will be unfair, of course, but I think that Kellie's stunning outfit and Idol "look" will be enough to get her ditzy ass through to next week.

Is Kellie's country bumpkin routine really a ruse, though, as even Ryan suspects? She seemed genuinely perplexed whether "words" and "lyrics" were synonyms.  UPDATE: I was just reminded of when Kellie told Rod Stewart that he had "taken a load off [her] chest," followed by Stewart's dumb-founded expression, and Kellie's complete lack of comphrension at the double-entendre she had just stumbled into.

Ironically, even though I generally enjoyed the performances last night as a group more than any out of the final 12, it has revealed this season's Achilles' heel.  The fact that the contestants were able to excel in a genre that dates back some 60 years shows just how weak they have been at the kind of modern music that will ultimately be demanded of the winner.

My final three: The only two I believe genuinely deserve to win are Chris Daughtry (who looked extremely hot in a bad-boy way that was somewhat blunted by a goofy ascot) and Katharine McPhee (who gave me goosebumps).  I would prefer the former but would be happy with the latter.  However, I think voters will place Taylor Hicks ahead of at least Daughtry, if not McPhee as well.  That Simon Cowell is finally saying nice things about Taylor suggests that the haughty Brit knows which way the wind is blowing.

UPDATE: Robbie very kindly cut and uploaded some video highlights.  So I guess now I can call this post "A Malcontent Joint."

[Watch video – 9:00, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:00, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Because I Can

Perhaps I'm feeling a little dopey after last night's biographical clips of him, but after further viewing of Elliott Yamin's performance on Tuesday night's American Idol, I've decided I love it. Plus, since they've fixed his teeth, he's really kind of adorkable.

So, because I can, here's Elliott performing Queen's Somebody to Love.

[Watch video – 1:45, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 1:45, WMV format, low bandwidth]