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Whether Brokeback Mountain wins big tonight or flames out (as it were), we will always have Annie Proulx's wonderful novella on which the film was based.
But if you're like me and find that whole reading thing to be – in George Bush's words – "hard work," then AOL Gay & Lesbian is offering a free download of the audio version of the story, as read by Campbell Scott.
The conflict between two of the most vain-glorious personalities on television escalates as The Donald and Martha Stewart put down their poison pens and take to the airwaves to do battle - she threatening to claw off his toupee for use as a decorative throw rug, he seeking the satisfaction of slammering her face repeatedly between his golden toilet seat.
Howard Stern stands as giddy referee, combing the radio for every delicious drop of celebrity bile. On his Sirius program, he offers up the latest interviews, including an exclusive clip of Stewart ranting on daughter Alexis' own show.
[Listen – 15:42, 7.19mb, MP3 format]
If I were a queen with money to burn, I'd pay a princely sum to ingratiate myself with Kathy Griffin in a pathetic attempt to become one of "her gays."
But I'm not, so instead some other lucky moneybags will be spending a very intimate weekend with the fabulous D-lister herself. (Far be it for me to assume things, but if a straight person paid $28,000 for the pleasure of hanging with Kathy, I'll eat my feather boa.)
Griffin auctioned off a special weekend with her and her friends (to be taped for her show, "My Life on the D-List") to raise money for a charity that helps prevent domestic violence.
On Friday, she spoke about it with "Howard 100 News."
[Listen – 2:01, 973kb, MP3 format]
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Guess what? It's another "Brokeback Mountain" day here, of sorts. I'm sure the cheers and jeers are flying in roughly equal measure right now. (Didn't I do a post a while back about being "Brokebacked out"?)
This post is a three-fer from me, and then Robbie says we should expect one from him later today. (I should warn you that much of this is NSFW.)
First up is last night's "Drawn Together" on Comedy Central. The "Malcon-noisseurs" among you know that I follow the show and have about as unhealthy an obsession with Xandir as one can have with a cartoon character.
"Drawn" is known for regularly going gay, with storylines that have included the gay marriage of Xandir and Spanky Ham, the Internet download pig.
This time it was Captain Hero who was vying for Xandir's affections. Hero showed up in the poorly conceived guise of "Tim Tommerson" as a way of exploring his own possible gay tendencies. And how the hot cartoon love did commence.
[Watch video – 8:38, WMV format, high bandwidth]
[Watch video – 8:38, WMV format, low bandwidth]
Next is the latest moment of gay zen from Howard Stern, who has been having a lot of them lately.
I know my sense of humor probably runs a wider gamut from high-brow to low-brow than most people's. In fact, my brow is sometimes so low that I trip over it, which is why the Stern Show's parody "Buttcrack Mountain" this morning got at least a couple of chuckles out of me.
[Listen – 5:32, 2.53mb, MP3 format]
And finally, after the jump is something that has already been on a few websites, but which I came across for the first time last night.
If you're familiar with "Brokeback," you'll remember the trips down the mountain to restock provisions. I howled as the hubbie read me the "Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists," which became more and more – shall we say – "elaborate" as that long summer herding sheep wore on.
Andy posted about Willie Nelson's new Valentine's Day song, an ode to the spirit of "Brokeback Mountain" titled "Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly (Fond of Each Other)."
It premiered on iTunes today and also on Howard Stern. Which means, of course, that we bring the audio to you.
[Listen – 3:45, 1.7mb, MP3 format]
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Most televised awards shows are tightly scripted and sanitized, with celebs so busy kissing each other's asses that they bore the rest of us to sleep.
And then there are the mold-busting awards shows for African-Americans like the 2005 BET Comedy Awards.
Howard Stern has some of the highlights, including a very un-PC tirade by Paul Mooney that bazookas everyone from Li'l Kim to Oprah to Miss Diana to Michael, and host Steve Harvey's hilarious efforts at damage control.
[Listen – 5:43, 1.96mb, MP3 format]
I really hate to use the Bible as a credible source for most things, especially political debates, considering how it is too often selectively quoted or used as a weapon (think Hilary Faye) against the more moderate among us. But let me for a moment administer a dose of the religionists' own medicine:
2 Corinthians 11:14 says: "Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light."
Matthew 7:15 says: "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves."
Which all brings me to Richard Cohen. No, not the self-absorbed WaPo columnist, but the author of the book "Coming Out Straight: Understanding and Healing Homosexuality."
Cohen, who claims to be "ex-gay" (I'll use scare quotes, because he peppers them throughout so liberally himself), was promoting his tome this morning on Howard Stern's radio show.
[Listen – 21:02, MP3 format]
Sure, he sounded somewhat reasonable, and was undeterred by Howard's audio clips of hot gay porn. (Gay Ramon's finely honed gaydar, on the other hand, was not convinced.)
But his book strikes a far more strident tone.
If the title alone doesn't tip you off to Cohen's agenda – gays are "ill" – then the five words above the title ("Foreword by Dr. Laura Schlessinger") should be a clue. (That would be a doctor of physiology – not something relevant like, oh, psychiatry or medicine.)
Not only has Cohen supposedly turned his back on being gay, but he also turned his back on Judaism when he "met Jesus" (which was after he "met" his boyfriend at the time, a man named "Tim.") He also dabbled with Moonie-ism along the way.
Cohen has the measured tones and cheerful personality of a man who hasn't considered for a moment that he might be completely wrong. His website confidently asserts that "no one is born with same-sex attraction."
Ya know what? As far as I know, babies and infants show no sexual attraction of any kind. That's just a bizarre topic to broach in the first place. But Cohen admits that his own attraction to men began very early in his life.
He further makes the claim that there is "no scientific data to substantiate a genetic or biologic basis for same-sex attraction." Really, now. None?
Booklist says Cohen's stance is "based in part on social science as dubious as the gay-supportive studies Cohen debunks."
"Coming Out Straight" (written in 2001) states that Cohen has helped "thousands" of men and women to become straight, although on Howard Stern this morning, he has revised that number downward to "hundreds." I wonder why? Could it be that the whole concept of "reparative therapy" is largely ephemeral, and that the vast majority of gay people who sign up are doomed to failure? Still, Cohen plunges ahead, advocating the creation of families, most of which will later catastrophically implode.
Gay people are clearly entitled to do as they wish, but this should apply uniformly. It is hard to cut Cohen slack – or to believe his chapter about "tolerance" for gay people is sincere – when he spends the rest of his book addressing homosexuality as if it were a disease or syndrome, a position long-ago discredited.
So it would seem that even the sunniest disposition can disguise devils and wolves alike.
