Thanks, Gwyneth!
I've insomnia, I'm exhausted, and I hate her, so why not.
Gwyneth Paltrow speaks almost perfect Spanish - and she does it with an Iberian accent.
But no matter the language, Gwyneth Paltrow will still manage some fiercely self-obsessed bullshit.
The Oscar-winning actress says she traveled to Spain as a teenager, fell in love with the country, and embraces the culture to the point that she visits at least once a year and makes sure her young children, Apple and Moses, also speak the language.
Which is a good thing, because once they're free of your pointlessly eccentric grasp, Apple and Moses will realize their names look fucking ridiculous in English.
"When I was 15, I went to a small town outside Talavera de la Reina and I had the most wonderful experience. It really changed my life," Paltrow said in fluent Spanish during a recent interview.
"I'll never forget the day Santiago gave me madeira, and made a woman of me, and made me wear that ridiculous hat, and told me I was a really good actress."
"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible," she said.
Eddie Izzard, call your attorney.
"Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their Blackberries on."
Of course they enjoy living there more. Unlike Americans, they haven't been mercilessly subjected to your films. And I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I keep my Blackberry on just so I can be immediately texted the very instant that you finally go away.
Paltrow remains close to the family she lived with in Spain, calling them "my Spanish mother" and "my brothers" from Spain. Her success as an actress, she says, hasn't impressed them.
And you still aren't taking the hint! And who wrote this article, the national tourism board? A Spanish family from Spain who also live in Spain. Spain!
The 36-year-old actress, who is married to Coldplay's Chris Martin, says she talks to her children in Spanish.
Wait, she knows Spanish? I wish they'd mentioned this fact earlier in the article, otherwise I wouldn't be so adrift in this cold darkness where I'm somehow unaware of Gwyneth's dazzling linguistic abilities. Did I miss where she - or this reporter - were hired by the Rosetta fucking Stone?
"Moses speaks a little bit, but understands everything. Apple speaks a lot," she says.
Mostly to social services, in chilling tones of quiet desperation.
Paltrow shot "Spain ... on the Road Again" with chef Mario Batali, cooking expert Mark Bittman and actress Claudia Bassols. They traveled throughout the country, sampling traditional foods and praising the virtues of Spain, its people and cuisine.
But mostly they praised Gwyneth's amazing ability to stammer out an "hola".
She's also writing a book on U.S. cuisine with Spanish influence that is due out next year. " ... I love food, I love to eat," she says. "I can't go on diets. I have to do a lot of exercise."
Because that's who I turn to for cooking advice - bulimics.
She also enjoys Mexican, Italian and Japanese food.
Especially on its way back up.
Has she considered acting in Spanish?
You poor Spanish bastards from Spain. Run!
"I would love to. I haven't found the script yet, but the first (movie) would have to be a small role, not very important, because I imagine I would have to get used to acting in Spanish," she says.
Oh, fuck it, this is too easy.
Paltrow says she'd like to work with Spanish directors Pedro Almodovar and Alejandro Amenabar and Mexico's Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu. And she says she would like to work again with Mexico's Alfonso Cuaron, who directed her in 1998's "Great Expectations."
To low box office returns.
She is now shooting "Iron Man 2," in which she reprises her role as Pepper Potts. "We're all back together: Robert Downey, Jon Favreau, the director. And Scarlett Johansson is with us, Mickey Rourke. ... It's a phenomenal group, we are having a great time." Forcing a recovering addict to interact with Gwyneth Paltrow is just cruel.
Anyway, this was wildly inappropriate and pointless, but a great deal of fun. I feel much better now.
A very strange sexuality news day. First we hear tell that Anderson Cooper is a big fan of girl bits, and now super hottie Jared Leto kinda, sorta, maybe, potentially 
I suppose it was the kiss of death to put a javascript counter at the upper-left counting up from the last time we received a "cease and desist" order.
