The Malcontent

Down Goes Tyra!

The "Insider/Entertainment Tonight" nexus is always good for a laugh or two.

Tonight, "The Insider" covered John Travolta and Kelly Preston's freakish Scientology crusade against the use of psychotropic drugs – which Travolta mispronounced, as in, "Psycho Tropic of Cancer."  Appallingly, the show did so with a straight face, even billing the wackos' harmful work as "humanitarian."

It's a little hard to take Travolta seriously when he gives the name of a website as "fight-for-kids-dot-organization."  (And is it really a surprise that he will be playing a role made famous by Divine?)

And then on "Entertainment Tonight," we were provided with a cruel tease regarding Tyra Banks fainting spell on "America's Next Top Model," which was to air tonight.

What caused it?  Did Tyra not eat enough grains of rice for dinner?  Was her Victoria's Secret bra on too tight?  Did the helium that was holding her head aloft finally escape through her ears?

Apparently she was "acting."  I guess you have to "act" when you're a model.

[Watch video – 2:47, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 2:47, WMV format, low bandwidth]

New Show MeriTORIous?

Tori Spelling and her fake nose are taking a stab at the genre of choice for today's cultured 'mo – pseudo-reality TV – further solidifying her recently minted status as a gay icon.  That is, if marrying a gay guy and doing a critically acclaimed turn in a gay-themed indie flick qualifies one for icon status.  (Hey, it worked for Liza.)

Starring as an outsized version of herself, she pokes fun at her own checkered past, her career, and her bizarre family in the new VH1 show "So NoTORIous."

Either it's an elaborate publicity gimmick or the show might actually be watchable, because Mommy and Daddy are reportedly FURious about their portrayal in "NoTORIous."

Tori sat down last night with "Entertainment Tonight" to say that she's just giving the public the Tori they think they already know.  Of course, some will still wonder whether there is more than just the ring of truth in the TV version of Tori.

[Watch video – 2:35, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 2:35, WMV format, low bandwidth]

One More Surgery, and the Lip Plate Is Free

"New York City's Most Famous Transsexual," Amanda Lepore, is trying to cash in on the success of the Oscar-nominated movie "Transamerica."

She showed up on "The Insider" yesterday for no discernible reason other than to be Amanda Lepore, and to talk about the panoply of surgeries that got her there.

The list was so long that "Entertainment Tonight" announced its spin-off, "The Insider," would itself be spun off into a show to handle the formidable task.

Perhaps the most shocking revelation was that the next surgical procedure for Lepore, her lips already resembling two roller-brushed slabs of calves' liver, would involve skin-darkening and the implantation of a labial disk so that she would live among the Mursi tribeswomen of Ethiopia.

(OK, I made up most of this post.)

[Watch video – 3:24, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 3:24, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Beddin' to the Oldies

On "Entertainment Tonight," bed-ridden, 400-pound Jeremy Norman of Ohio was visited by Brillo-headed fitness guru Richard Simmons.  (I think only Norman's leg must have on the scale at the time, but I digress.)  One is a breathtaking, one-man freak show; the other is a kid who needs to lose a few pounds.

Richard the Weird sashayed his trademark pink, short-shorted self into Norman's hospital room, bearing balloons and a receding hairline.  (For a man who is supposed so be concerned about others, Simmons also came armed with a suspicious number of plugs for his show on Sirius satellite radio.)

Norman and his wife met in a chatroom, his enormity igniting some sense of Christian duty within her.  True to form, the sequined nightmare blubbered through a pledge to help the adipose 21-year-old get down to 200 pounds.

Somehow, Simmons' overwrought antics didn't trigger cardiac arrest in his latest subject of exploitation, although it likely triggered gag reflexes nationwide.

[Watch video – 2:59, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 2:59, WMV format, high bandwidth]

Harding Har Har

Did y'all see last night's "Entertainment Tonight" promo of an interview they're going to air tomorrow with former Olympic figure skater Tonya Harding?

It started out like a pretty straightforward tease, but then it just got bizarre and hurtful.

[Watch video – 1:11, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 1:11, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Some Secrets Better Left Untold

What did we learn about Madonna from the teaser on Entertainment Tonight about her new documentary?

I wouldn't want Madonna for my mommy.

And she is a religious whack-job.

[Watch video – 7.9mb, 1:34, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 571kb, 1:34, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Richard Simmons Jumps the Couch on ET

I tried to resist.  Really, I did.  I tried so hard.

They teased me last night with Mary Hart's interview of a shuddering Richard Simmons, clad in his trademark short-shorts and a black "muscle" shirt with hearts sequined all over it.  I was strong and posted about Oprah instead.

But then Entertainment Tonight's cameras followed Richard today to hurricane country for a tearful, blubbering reunion with his brother.  (Actually, Richard blubbered, while his brother just looked embarrassed and bored.)

Tonight the "muscle" shirt was identical, except that the sequined hearts were now on a red background.

I'm sure some will call me an insensitive prick, but watch the video for yourself and tell me that Richard isn't just asking for it.

Tell me that he isn't either seriously disturbed, that he doesn't have the emotional level of a 7-year-old, or that perhaps he isn't mildly retarded.  (If it is the latter, I apologize, but the man has been putting his flaming, lampoon-able self out there for years.)  Above all else, tell me he isn't trying just a little too hard to milk this human tragedy for publicity.

You just know the ET crew was stifling their laughter until they could get back to the truck and play it back, then they just laughed and laughed until they cried.

Did you catch the details of the story?  Richard didn't lose anyone in the disaster, nor does he really seem to know anyone who did.  He just seems really, really upset that he knows people who were down there ... and lived.  (Time to up the meds, Richard, because that describes about three-quarters of the U.S. population!)

I need to stop typing and roll it.  It's too much ...

[Watch video – 6.6mb, 2:36, WMV format]