The Malcontent

Buck-ing for Promotion

How do you like your guys?

Do you like them with a smooth, shaved head?  A handlebar mustache, maybe?  Huge, bulging biceps and tats that go on for days?  Then Buck Angel might be just the thing for you.

Oh, and did we mention that he has a vagina?  (Were the "birthing hips" a giveaway?)

Since I seem to be striking out all over the place today – with attempts at humor that no one thinks are funny, and daily features that no one believes are relevant – I decided to post the most shocking video in Malcovision history.

It's not unlike the first rule in crisis communications: "Get all of your bad news out at once."

So prepare to behold a disaster of epic proportions.  We're talking Poseidon to the 9/11th power.

Buck Angel is described as “the world’s first FTM porn star with a vagina.”  That's kind of like saying you pitched the first no-hitter for a right-hander on a Tuesday at night on artificial turf.

In the most extreme and most extremely NSFW clip we've ever posted, Buck recently stopped by The Howard Stern Show.  Things were going relatively fine until he/she agreed to ride the “Sybian,” an industrial-strength, vibrating self-pleasure device.

Just as a precaution, unless you are the biggest trannophile ever, you might want to have a shrink on standby, or at least a bucket handy.  And when you stab out your eyes with knitting needles, don't say that you weren't warned.

[Watch video – 21:25, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 21:25, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Does Howard Read The Malcontent?

A few days ago, I posted about how my opinion of Rosie O'Donnell has been quickly changing for the better.  This morning, Howard Stern followed suit on his Sirius satellite radio show.

A transcript follows after the jump ...

Bad Hair vs Bad Attitude

The conflict between two of the most vain-glorious personalities on television escalates as The Donald and Martha Stewart put down their poison pens and take to the airwaves to do battle - she threatening to claw off his toupee for use as a decorative throw rug, he seeking the satisfaction of slammering her face repeatedly between his golden toilet seat.

Howard Stern stands as giddy referee, combing the radio for every delicious drop of celebrity bile. On his Sirius program, he offers up the latest interviews, including an exclusive clip of Stewart ranting on daughter Alexis' own show.

[Listen – 15:42, 7.19mb, MP3 format]

Weekend on the D-List

If I were a queen with money to burn, I'd pay a princely sum to ingratiate myself with Kathy Griffin in a pathetic attempt to become one of "her gays."

But I'm not, so instead some other lucky moneybags will be spending a very intimate weekend with the fabulous D-lister herself.  (Far be it for me to assume things, but if a straight person paid $28,000 for the pleasure of hanging with Kathy, I'll eat my feather boa.)

Griffin auctioned off a special weekend with her and her friends (to be taped for her show, "My Life on the D-List") to raise money for a charity that helps prevent domestic violence.

On Friday, she spoke about it with "Howard 100 News."

[Listen – 2:01, 973kb, MP3 format]

Your Daily Brokeback

Guess what?  It's another "Brokeback Mountain" day here, of sorts.  I'm sure the cheers and jeers are flying in roughly equal measure right now.  (Didn't I do a post a while back about being "Brokebacked out"?)

This post is a three-fer from me, and then Robbie says we should expect one from him later today.  (I should warn you that much of this is NSFW.)

First up is last night's "Drawn Together" on Comedy Central.  The "Malcon-noisseurs" among you know that I follow the show and have about as unhealthy an obsession with Xandir as one can have with a cartoon character.

"Drawn" is known for regularly going gay, with storylines that have included the gay marriage of Xandir and Spanky Ham, the Internet download pig.

This time it was Captain Hero who was vying for Xandir's affections.  Hero showed up in the poorly conceived guise of "Tim Tommerson" as a way of exploring his own possible gay tendencies.  And how the hot cartoon love did commence.

[Watch video – 8:38, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 8:38, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Next is the latest moment of gay zen from Howard Stern, who has been having a lot of them lately. 

I know my sense of humor probably runs a wider gamut from high-brow to low-brow than most people's.  In fact, my brow is sometimes so low that I trip over it, which is why the Stern Show's parody "Buttcrack Mountain" this morning got at least a couple of chuckles out of me.

[Listen – 5:32, 2.53mb, MP3 format]

And finally, after the jump is something that has already been on a few websites, but which I came across for the first time last night.

If you're familiar with "Brokeback," you'll remember the trips down the mountain to restock provisions.  I howled as the hubbie read me the "Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists," which became more and more – shall we say – "elaborate" as that long summer herding sheep wore on.

Not So Secretly Fond of Willie

Andy posted about Willie Nelson's new Valentine's Day song, an ode to the spirit of "Brokeback Mountain" titled "Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly (Fond of Each Other)."

It premiered on iTunes today and also on Howard Stern.  Which means, of course, that we bring the audio to you.

[Listen – 3:45, 1.7mb, MP3 format]

The King Holds Court With John Paulus

Photo via FleshBot

"Howard Stern Week" rolls right along on The Malcontent.  As promised last week, the King of All Media interviewed John Paulus, a former Green Beret and Army Ranger, on his alleged sexual escapade with Clay Aiken.

Why do I believe John?  Because according to him, Clay is actually a top.

The audio link is first, with my synopsis after the jump.  And some of the details get a bit graphic.

[Listen – 48:26, 22.1mb, MP3 format]  (Please no "deep links."  If you would like to link, please use the permalink at the bottom of this post.)

Willie Ever Stop Hating?

I know I just posted a Howard Stern clip, but the guy does talk about a lot of gay issues on his Sirius radio show.

Lately he has been getting a lot of mileage from an old tape of the esteemed Rev. Willie Wilson delivering a fiery, anti-gay sermon.  You remember the one, don't you?  The one where he said:

"You got to be careful when you say you don’t need no man. I can make it by myself. Well, if you don’t need a man, what’s left? Lesbianism is about to take over our community. [...]

"Anytime somebody got to slap some grease on your behind, and stick something in you, it’s something wrong with that. Your butt ain’t made for that. You got blood vessels and membranes in your behind. And if you put something unnatural in there, it breaks them all up. No wonder your behind is bleeding."

He did also say he wasn't homophobic, so I guess that makes him an OK chap.

When Dave Chappelle was on Oprah last week, she related a story about why she decided not to have KKK members and skinheads on her show anymore: "I was part of the problem. ...  I was giving these people a voice."

So are Howard and I part of the problem by giving fart-knockers like Willie Wilson a bigger pulpit from which to speak?

[Listen – 4:03, 1.9mb, MP3 format]

"Queen" of All Media?

Throughout his career, Howard Stern has been accused of just about every "-ism" and "-phobia" imaginable.  Quite unfairly, I believe, as anyone who reads this site will know.

So what was the utterly un-PC shock jock's verdict on "Brokeback Mountain"?  He talked about it on his uncensored, nationwide Sirius radio show today.

[Listen – 7:02, 3.3mb, MP3 format]

[Photo via BeTheMedia]

Alleged Clay Aiken Paramour on The Malcontent Next Week

Actually, John Paulus will be telling his story not to me, but exclusively to Howard Stern on Feb. 9, according to Reality Blurred.

However, for the 99 percent of Americans without Sirius Satellite Radio, I hope to post the full audio ASAP afterward.

Sulu Gets Fished

My Sirius radio is already turning out to be a much better investment than Q Television.

How else could I have heard Sulu and the Terminator go mano a mano yesterday?

OK, it wasn't Sulu, it was Howard Stern's gay announcer, George "Sulu" Takei.

And it wasn't the Terminator, either, it was Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ...

... or so Takei thought.

But in the meantime, the result was pure radio gold as Takei barely flinched at every racist, bigoted and homophobic thing that came from the remarkably Schwareznegger-esque mimic on the phone.  The actor, who has a partner of 19 years, lit into who he thought was the governor for vetoing California's gay-marriage bill, and was practically beside himself when he thought he had convinced the Governator to reconsider his opposition.

(I expect that this won't be the last of my Sirius commentary and audio clips.  If you are aware of any interesting shows coming up – on Out Q, for example – drop me a line!)

WARNING: There is the occasional four-letter word thrown in this clip.

[Listen – 15:09, 5.2mb, MP3 format]

So Long, Diamond Dave

So I have spent the last week in radio hell.

Howard Stern reruns on WXRK ended on Dec. 30, forcing me to suffer through a week of his East Coast replacement, "Diamond" David Lee Roth, while getting ready for work.

People can say what they want about Howard, most of which is patently untrue.  But what is undeniable is that he is an unparalleled communicator and wit.  After 10 years of waking up to his rants and entirely un-PC shenanigans, his decampment for satellite radio left a huge void in my morning routine.

Needless to say, it is a void that Roth, the former Van Halen frontman, is entirely unequipped to fill.

I listened to the new Roth morning show on the renamed 92.3 "Free FM."  As much as I was rooting for the aging rocker, I didn't laugh.  Not once.  All week.  (Roth himself, and the small collection of in-studio flunkies, find every word that falls from the host's lips to be sheer comic genius, however.)

Not only does Roth have diarrhea of the mouth, but he is so afraid of even a millisecond of dead air that he pots up a music bed every time there is so much as a slight lull in the conversation.  As for his entire shtick, it is essentially one baffling non sequitur after another.  (His show's television commercials in the New York area are just as perplexing.)

So how excited was I when my new Sirius S50 radio showed up yesterday, just in time for the Stern show's uncensored Monday premiere?  The timing was even more impeccable than Howard's internal comedic metronome.

Terrestrial radio is a dinosaur whose extinction is being hastened by the meddlesome puritans at the Federal Communications Commission, and I will not be a bit sad when it plunges headlong into the broadcasting tarpits.

Color me ecstatic to be free of "Free FM."

Going Where Too Few Have Gone Before

If you are a listener of the Howard Stern radio show, then surely the coming out of George "Sulu" Takei comes as no surprise whatsoever.  If Takei's interviews themselves weren't enough of a clue, then Howard's phony phonecalls using manipulated soundbites where Takei discusses his love of "wang" merely encapsulated what everyone already strongly suspected.

But his story illustrates the broad panoply of "coming out" experiences, something that strikes a chord with me:

"It’s not really coming out, which suggests opening a door and stepping through. It’s more like a long, long walk through what began as a narrow corridor that starts to widen. And then some doors are open and light comes in, and there are skylights and it widens. Brad’s my partner, we’ve been together for 18 years. So, I’ve been 'open,' but I have not talked to the press. In that sense, maybe that’s another opening of the corridor there."

It's that revelation about a partner of 18 years that was a actually little shocking to me.  Takei is a gay man, and he is from Hollywood.  Those are two major strikes against any sort of stable, long-lasting relationship right there.

Takei's decision not to be more public until the age of 68 makes a little more sense against the sad backdrop of issues with his family:

"I’ve not had a good experience with one sibling. And I won’t be specific because it’s still a problem. My mother, initially, had some adjustments to make, but she got to like Brad very much. She got Alzheimer’s, and it got very difficult for her, so we moved her in with us. Brad was wonderful. He was a saint. It’s very difficult when you’re dealing with someone with Alzheimer’s. And some of the stages were … horrific. And Brad helped throughout that. She was with us for the last four years of her life. And I owe so much to him."

If only more celebrities would find the courage to come out at the pinnacle of their careers, but better late than never.

How To Run an Awards Show

Paul Mooney

Most televised awards shows are tightly scripted and sanitized, with celebs so busy kissing each other's asses that they bore the rest of us to sleep.

And then there are the mold-busting awards shows for African-Americans like the 2005 BET Comedy Awards.

Howard Stern has some of the highlights, including a very un-PC tirade by Paul Mooney that bazookas everyone from Li'l Kim to Oprah to Miss Diana to Michael, and host Steve Harvey's hilarious efforts at damage control.

[Listen – 5:43, 1.96mb, MP3 format]

"Ex-Gay" Does Stern Show

I really hate to use the Bible as a credible source for most things, especially political debates, considering how it is too often selectively quoted or used as a weapon (think Hilary Faye) against the more moderate among us.  But let me for a moment administer a dose of the religionists' own medicine:

2 Corinthians 11:14 says: "Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light."

Matthew 7:15 says: "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves."

Which all brings me to Richard Cohen.  No, not the self-absorbed WaPo columnist, but the author of the book "Coming Out Straight: Understanding and Healing Homosexuality."

Cohen, who claims to be "ex-gay" (I'll use scare quotes, because he peppers them throughout so liberally himself), was promoting his tome this morning on Howard Stern's radio show.

[Listen – 21:02, MP3 format]

Sure, he sounded somewhat reasonable, and was undeterred by Howard's audio clips of hot gay porn.  (Gay Ramon's finely honed gaydar, on the other hand, was not convinced.)

But his book strikes a far more strident tone.

If the title alone doesn't tip you off to Cohen's agenda – gays are "ill" – then the five words above the title ("Foreword by Dr. Laura Schlessinger") should be a clue.  (That would be a doctor of physiology – not something relevant like, oh, psychiatry or medicine.)

Not only has Cohen supposedly turned his back on being gay, but he also turned his back on Judaism when he "met Jesus" (which was after he "met" his boyfriend at the time, a man named "Tim.")  He also dabbled with Moonie-ism along the way.

Cohen has the measured tones and cheerful personality of a man who hasn't considered for a moment that he might be completely wrong.  His website confidently asserts that "no one is born with same-sex attraction."

Ya know what?  As far as I know, babies and infants show no sexual attraction of any kind.  That's just a bizarre topic to broach in the first place.  But Cohen admits that his own attraction to men began very early in his life.

He further makes the claim that there is "no scientific data to substantiate a genetic or biologic basis for same-sex attraction."  Really, now.  None?

Booklist says Cohen's stance is "based in part on social science as dubious as the gay-supportive studies Cohen debunks."

"Coming Out Straight" (written in 2001) states that Cohen has helped "thousands" of men and women to become straight, although on Howard Stern this morning, he has revised that number downward to "hundreds."  I wonder why?  Could it be that the whole concept of "reparative therapy" is largely ephemeral, and that the vast majority of gay people who sign up are doomed to failure?  Still, Cohen plunges ahead, advocating the creation of families, most of which will later catastrophically implode.

Gay people are clearly entitled to do as they wish, but this should apply uniformly.  It is hard to cut Cohen slack – or to believe his chapter about "tolerance" for gay people is sincere – when he spends the rest of his book addressing homosexuality as if it were a disease or syndrome, a position long-ago discredited.

So it would seem that even the sunniest disposition can disguise devils and wolves alike.

Johnny Knoxville Lip-Locks Jessica?

Johnny Knoxville withstood a withering lie-detector grilling this morning on Howard Stern's radio show, fessing up to usage of both drugs and the "N-word."  While he was deemed truthful about never having bedded his Dukes of Hazzard costar Jessica Simpson, the polygraph said he lied about never having "tongue-kissed" the blonde beauty.  (Apparently that's what he was doing when not flashing his balls to Seann William Scott.)

The very married Knoxville adamantly denied ever having cheated on his his wife because she has "a big frying pan."

Meanwhile, Cindy Adams shovels more coal into the red-hot rumor boiler about  the demise of the Simpson-Lachey marriage (Aug. 3).