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July 29, 2005

John Stevens: No. 912, With a Bullet

Malbug_13Stevens_1 Somehow it escaped our attention that the supremely untalented John Stevens, from American Idol season 3, has a CD out (currently ranked #912 on Amazon).  We think the title has something to do with the color the water in the tub will turn when we slice our wrists open after being subjected to John's special brand of aural rape.

John was a sweet kid who inexplicably placed ahead of all but five out of the tens of thousands of more in-pitch, more charismatic, better-dancing American youths who entered.  Then again, it was during the same season in which "Fan-tay-zee-uh" (as Simon Cowell calls her) won, so John was clearly over his head in a nevertheless very shallow talent pool.

A.I. has been on the air for four years now, yet we are hard-pressed to think of another contestant in that time, let alone a finalist, who was so singularly and clumsily unable to vary his style from week to week.  You want rock?  John will give you Perry Como.  R&B?  Perry Como.  Barry Manilow?  Como.  Country?  Como, Como, Como.  Showtunes?  Even more of the Cartiganed One.

So why do we link to John's album?  Well ... because skinny, homely boys need to eat too.  We are certain that the evil genii at 19 Entertainment aren't giving him a healthier cut of the profit margins, which is boosted by public-domain-remainder-bin titles like "My Blue Heaven," "Someone to Watch Over Me" and "Don't Get Around Much Anymore."

UPDATE: Red is now ranked 850th!  (We said it was with a bullet!)  We would like to claim credit for this success, but it would only be plausible if our two dozen readers bought about 5,300 copies each.

UPDATE 2: Up to No. 776, mere hours later! What hath I wrought??