The Malcontent

"Ex-Gays" Say the Darndest Things

Our friends at Ex-Gay Watch (I need a nifty logo like theirs) alerted us to a piece that aired last night on CNN featuring Richard Cohen – not the WaPo columnist – one of the most controversial, and unlicensed, practitioners of so-called "reparative therapy" for gays.

I'll leave the heavy lifting to the experts at EGW, but the piece – whether unintentional or not – was hi-frickin'-larious.  We are treated to therapy sessions between Cohen and 42-year-old "Rob," a gay man who thinks that Cohen can help him become un-gay.

We see Cohen practicing "touch therapy" to recreate a "healthy father-son bond."  Call me crazy, but it appeared to be a cunning way for Cohen for be able to get his jollies cuddling up with other men while still claiming that he is now straight.

We then see Cohen engaging in an interesting form of quackery that he calls "bioenergetics," whaling on a pillow with a tennis racket in lieu of his overbearing mother.  Frightening stuff.  Norman-Bates freaky.

I suggest if you find yourself in a session with Cohen that you dial 9-1 on your cell phone, just to save time in case you need to hit that last 1.

We are treated to more of the same tripe that we have seen from the ex-gay movement, this happy-crappy talk about how "there's nothing wrong with being gay," but somehow one can choose to be straight, even though we don't exactly see hordes of heterosexual men stampeding the opposite direction into ex-straight therapy.

What I got out of the piece is that it is a sign of progress that the gay guy aspiring to be straight was the one hiding his identity, while the gay guy who long ago gave up on reparative-therapy nonsense was proudly public.

[Watch video – 6:42, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 6:42, WMV format, low bandwidth]

No Pink Triangles?

While the American Left nitters and natters about how our nation is on the road to fascism and President Bush is merely a reincarnation of Hitler, Iran and its maniacal leader are simply going ahead and doing it:

Jews, Christians and Zoroastrians would be forced to wear a yellow, red or blue strip of cloth, respectively, on the front of their clothes

Though my initial impulse is to scream about the discrimination of it all (as there will be no special minority laws crafted without the gays, damnit! See: California schools), I realized, oh yeah, they just hang us over there.

So really, if our typically quiet gay rights groups could lobby for an Iranian pink triangle, it would actually be a step up for those beleaguered folks.

h/t Chad

Update: The National Post apologizes and retracts its original story. So, Iran only wants to exterminate the Jews and hang homosexuals as a matter of course. Nothing at all like Nazi Germany. Very much my grievous error for implying otherwise. Tch.

Ctrl-Alt-Del, Let There Be Light

Slate's deputy editor, David Plotz, has taken on a curious task:

He is going to blog the Bible.  The entire thing.

Or as much as he gets through before his wife kills him.

Plotz describes himself as a "not terribly observant" Jew, one who read the stories of the Torah long ago and wanted to approach them with a fresh and critical eye. 

My goal is not to find contradictions, mock impossible events, or scoff at hypocrisy. [...] I want to find out what happens when an ignorant person actually reads the book on which his religion is based. I think I'm in the same position as many other lazy but faithful people (Christians, Jews, Moslems, Hindus).

With two posts so far, he is already through Genesis 19 and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Despite his stated goals, he is already unearthing some curious contradictions and little-known nuggets. For example:

• Did you know there was not one, but two versions of Creation?  Among other differences, the two stories place gender roles on very disparate footing.


• God does not always follow through on promises, like the one about killing Adam and Eve as soon as they eat the Forbidden Fruit.


• God hates vegetarians.


• The great flood seems like it was little more than a "fit of pique."


• Abraham was far less apt to kill the innocent than God is.

I'm not sure what to gather so far from two blog entries, but Plotz's fresh take is fascinating.  And it does tend to further undermine biblical literalists (as if such a task were that difficult).

Perhaps a few of them should also give the Good Book a good re-reading, as Plotz is doing.

The Descension of the Oprah

Descending from on high to a heavenly choir of keening housewives, earth mother and prophet, the Oprah, graced the jabbering monkey pit of the View to spread her wisdom and beneficence to all her adoring disciples. Starr Jones Reynolds rendered an almost eucharistic oral polishing. Buffy Walters stood, bowed, deferred, and wandered in tongues, as is her way in the face of deific celebrity.

Fresh off her ascension to the throne of the Almighty, the Oprah incarnated at 10 AM this morning to promote her upcoming ABC special, Legends Ball. If any of us mistakenly believe She means the title eponymously, She will forgive us. It has been several years since Our Lady of Godiva has walked this plane as mere mortal. She transcends legend, and should any doubting Thomases disbelieve, Gayle King will bust your knee caps. When Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu drew too close to the Oprah's secrets . . . let's just say they were found face down in the Chicago River, bodies mutilated nearly beyond recognition.

So, by multiple reader request, Oprah on the View. (the graphic, naturally, provided by Mal)

[Watch video – 13:08, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 13:08, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Scouting for Some

"Scouting for All" takes its message of tolerance to Washington, D.C., on May 24.

A news conference, rally and candlelight vigil will be held to protest the Boy Scouts' ongoing exclusion of gays and atheists.

Scouting for All President Scott Cozza writes that they will be "reading the names of those scouts who have turned in their scouting awards to Scouting for All in protest of the BSA's national leadership's policy of discrimination against gay and atheist youth and adults."

The full text of the announcement follows ...

Malcovision By Request

A reader requested the following clip from last Friday's Real Time With Bill Maher. If we have it in stock, why not oblige? If there is something readers want to see from a program I've featured, but haven't provided in the posted highlights, don't be shy in making a request. I often keep things in the DVR for a few days after using them on the blog. (Note: I've just cleared it out this morning, so all I have at the moment is last night's American Idol. And, uh, the latest Harry Potter movie).

In this clip, Maher's panel briefly tackles the topic of religion. Actor Bradley Whitford and former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore go toe-to-toe on a variety of related issues, but mainly the death penalty.

[Watch video – 3:44, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 3:44, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Cruise Gets Bruised

Poor Tom Cruise.  His movie made only a paltry $48 million at the box office this weekend.

That might sound like a lot, but for a film that cost more than three times that much to make, and which had been predicted to earn much more, everybody's favorite vitamin-taking cult member might want to threaten to eat a few less placentas.  ("Placentii"?)

NBC's "Dateline" show decided to take a far less ass-sucking route than Diane Sawyer on the publicity parade, opting for plenty of Scientology hijinks rather than Cruise's boyhood sob story.

You know when bloggers like Jessica Coen and Perez are featured in the piece that the claws are bound to come out.

By the way, who's the guy next to Cruise in the picture, anyway?  Is it, you know — "him"?

[Watch video – 11:30, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 11:30, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Federal Censorship Commission

Looks like we're about to get five more years of theocratic rule at the FCC:

The President intends to nominate Kevin J. Martin, of North Carolina, to be a Commissioner of the Federal Communications Commission, for an additional five-year term expiring June 30, 2011. Upon appointment, he will be redesignated Chairman. Mr. Martin currently serves as Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission.

World o' Cults

Bill Maher predictably had a few things to say about the birth last week of Suri Holmes Cruise.

Do you think there were any gay jokes?  Naaaahhhhh ...

[Watch video – 1:18, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 1:18, WMV format, low bandwidth]

The Gayest Story Never Told

If you think you know the whole story behind ABC's never-aired reality show "Welcome to the Neighborhood," think again.

The series, yanked by the alphabet net at the last minute last summer, was to have shown a white, Christian, conservative cul-de-sac in Texas called "Circle C Ranch" that was tasked with deciding the winner of a home worth about $500,000 in their neighborhood.  The candidates, however, included Wiccans, Hispanics, African-Americans, a family with a stripper mom, and finally, a gay couple and their African-American son.

While much of the media coverage leading up to the premiere-that-never-was focused on bigotry and discrimination, the ending turned out to be fairly positive – and probably one that America would do well to see.  (ABC still won't allow the show to air, however.)

In its second episode last night, "The Advocate Newsmagazine" on Logo told us more about the rest of the story, focusing on an especially hard-boiled Texan known to his neighbors as "The Governor."

The results might surprise you.  And if you don't get at least a lump in your throat while watching it, you might want to check yourself for a pulse.

[Watch video – 14:53, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 14:53, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Buy One Thetan Level, Get Fellated By Sawyer For Free!

I'll never quite understand why Diane Sawyer is considered a serious journalist, especially not when the majority of her work involves the kind of verbal lubrication on ample display during Primetime Friday.

Tom Cruise was given a full half hour to gush, explain the wonders of Scientology, and generally keep America enthralled with the kind of soft, velvety vocal tone that usually precedes instructions about arsenic-laced cocktails. The man may be thetan level VII, but he's creepy level ten in my book.

Apologies for the storm warnings in places. We're having a rather eventful spring 'round these parts.

[Watch video – 9:16, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:16, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Sly Matt & Trey

Mohammed has actually been on South Park all season long!

Never Too Late For Blasphemy

Though I'm far too ill to participate this year, Easter is near, and that can mean only one thing:

The Ten Commandments Drinking Game!

Right now, you might be saying to yourself, "But Robbie, we have no idea how to play the Ten Commandments Drinking Game!"

No bother, it's very easy. Every time Anne Baxter says, "Moses! Moses!" in her liquid husk voice, take a drink. That's all there is to it. Whenever Neferteri repeats the name Moses twice, it's shot time.

This is guaranteed, on the floor, passed out drunk before anyone makes it out of Egypt. Better hurry, ABC's airing began a half hour ago. Enjoy the Easter brunch hangover.

The Ex-Gay Möbius Strip

What a Catch-22 the "ex-gay" movement has put us in: On one hand, they disingenuously vilify us for "recruiting" heteros.

Yet on the other hand, they see no irony whatsoever in campaigns like "Change is Possible."  Funny, that.

He Blinded Me

"Science Guy" offends Texans with ... science.

Down Goes Tyra!

The "Insider/Entertainment Tonight" nexus is always good for a laugh or two.

Tonight, "The Insider" covered John Travolta and Kelly Preston's freakish Scientology crusade against the use of psychotropic drugs – which Travolta mispronounced, as in, "Psycho Tropic of Cancer."  Appallingly, the show did so with a straight face, even billing the wackos' harmful work as "humanitarian."

It's a little hard to take Travolta seriously when he gives the name of a website as "fight-for-kids-dot-organization."  (And is it really a surprise that he will be playing a role made famous by Divine?)

And then on "Entertainment Tonight," we were provided with a cruel tease regarding Tyra Banks fainting spell on "America's Next Top Model," which was to air tonight.

What caused it?  Did Tyra not eat enough grains of rice for dinner?  Was her Victoria's Secret bra on too tight?  Did the helium that was holding her head aloft finally escape through her ears?

Apparently she was "acting."  I guess you have to "act" when you're a model.

[Watch video – 2:47, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 2:47, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Join the Bullshitters of America!

God bless Penn Gillette!  If the vertically advantaged prestidigitator were to run for President, I'm pretty sure he'd have my vote.

For the past several years, ever since the landmark Boy Scouts of America v Dale case, I thought I had staked out a solid position: As reprehensible as I found the Boy Scouts' discrimination against gays and atheists, I don't cherry-pick the First Amendment.  I think that freedom of association is generally a good thing, because it means the assholes of the world will usually cordon themselves off where they won't bother the rest of us.

But then came last night's season premiere of Showtime's outstanding series "Bullshit!"

Penn and the silent though emotive Teller laid bare the tangled relationship between the Boy Scouts and government, relying on an almost incalculable amount of public funds and accommodations to carry out Scouting activities.

The Supreme Court essentially dismissed the intent of the New Jersey public-accommodations law that was at issue in the Dale case.  They also bought the BSA line that homosexuality is incompatible with the Boy Scouts' oath regarding what is "morally straight" and "clean," even though it is clear that such an interpretation of that oath is a perversion of the Scouts' history and its own past stated meaning of those terms.

As an aside, a few years back when I worked in the Senate, I played a bit part in helping to turn back legislative threats to the Scouts' dependence on government.  Even though I was accurately representing the position of my boss, I felt I could do so in good faith, based on my own experience in the Boy Scouts dating back to the early 1980s.  But as "Bullshit!" points out, the BSA was hijacked by the Mormon Church in the mid-'80s, and today I'm sickened that I didn't know the full story before now.

The bottom line is, you cannot have private membership standards that exclude a good swath of the public while continuing to suck off the public teat.  If the BSA were to turn back their millions of dollars in federal funds, and their millions more in the in-kind use of public accommodations, perhaps I could revert back to my laissez faire attitude in the second paragraph.

Until then, these duplicitous assholes – and their enablers in Washington, D.C. – need to be continually exposed to the harsh light of day.

Shine on, Penn and Teller.  Shine on.

I FORGOT TO ADD that the video below is generally NSFW, based on copious use of the word "fuck" and one brief female titty shot around 23 minutes in.

[Watch video – 29:29, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 29:29, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Somehow I Doubt the "Lord" Will Be Getting His Cut

From a spammer who clearly doesn't read this site:

Where's Your Messiah Now?

A study finds that, when it comes to illness, the power of prayer is no damn good at best, and possibly deleterious, at worst.

In other news, researchers are still working to verify whether the Earth is 6,000 years old.

Idol Postscript

Queerty digs up a reason why you might not want to support Mandisa.  Damn.  I used to love that BBW.

Meanwhile, GayPatriot is on the same page with us about where "Idol" seems headed.  The husband and I were sitting on the sofa last night critiquing each contestant, as per usual, and we could predict virtually every word that was spoken by Simon Cowell, the only truly honest judge.  The song choices were baffling, the performances were shockingly bad, and even the potential winners are starting to look like losers.

My bottom three tonight: Lisa Tucker, Ace, and Kellie Pickler (although I think America will choose Bucky).