The Malcontent

Battle of the Religious Wacko Summer Movies

Seems the Scientologists have had more luck shutting down unflattering portrayals of their cult "religion" lately than have the Catholics.

Tom Cruise got the infamous "South Park" episode yanked, but thus far, the steamroller of PR for The Da Vinci Code rolls on, despite the best efforts of the Catholic hierarchy.

Eight-time host of "Saturday Night Live" Tom Hanks returned to the late-night show this weekend to promote his impending summer blockbuster, and once again he showed his comedic roots.

In these two sketches, he is featured as the world's grossest yoga partner, and also in a group of four tennis snobs who happened to have 13 arms among them.

[Watch video – 9:09, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:09, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Cruise Gets Bruised

Poor Tom Cruise.  His movie made only a paltry $48 million at the box office this weekend.

That might sound like a lot, but for a film that cost more than three times that much to make, and which had been predicted to earn much more, everybody's favorite vitamin-taking cult member might want to threaten to eat a few less placentas.  ("Placentii"?)

NBC's "Dateline" show decided to take a far less ass-sucking route than Diane Sawyer on the publicity parade, opting for plenty of Scientology hijinks rather than Cruise's boyhood sob story.

You know when bloggers like Jessica Coen and Perez are featured in the piece that the claws are bound to come out.

By the way, who's the guy next to Cruise in the picture, anyway?  Is it, you know — "him"?

[Watch video – 11:30, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 11:30, WMV format, low bandwidth]

World o' Cults

Bill Maher predictably had a few things to say about the birth last week of Suri Holmes Cruise.

Do you think there were any gay jokes?  Naaaahhhhh ...

[Watch video – 1:18, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 1:18, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Scenes from a Duane Reade - UPDATED

Who knew that they now sell the Tom Cruise Hungry Man Dinner in the hair products aisle?:

BREAKING NEWS: Tomkitten emerges silently from womb; cult followers give baby girl a Jewish name.

Inquiring minds still want to know what Tom had for dinner ...

Buy One Thetan Level, Get Fellated By Sawyer For Free!

I'll never quite understand why Diane Sawyer is considered a serious journalist, especially not when the majority of her work involves the kind of verbal lubrication on ample display during Primetime Friday.

Tom Cruise was given a full half hour to gush, explain the wonders of Scientology, and generally keep America enthralled with the kind of soft, velvety vocal tone that usually precedes instructions about arsenic-laced cocktails. The man may be thetan level VII, but he's creepy level ten in my book.

Apologies for the storm warnings in places. We're having a rather eventful spring 'round these parts.

[Watch video – 9:16, WMV format, high bandwidth]

[Watch video – 9:16, WMV format, low bandwidth]

Do Italian Spammers Live in Caves?

There is so much wrong about this email (and the fact that I got it) that I don't know where to begin:

The Jokes Practically Write Themselves

Tom Cruise?  In a cockpit?  No, too easy – I think I'll pass.

[h/t multiple]